I was at a leadership talk a while back and a famous Indian CEO said that leadership includes, telling and retelling people what they already know, so they know they are on the right track.
I was looking through my very old life coaching notes from 2000, and then notes from the late Thomas Leonard (one of the founders of life coaching as we know it) and then my newest notes from my training in Ontological coaching and they say very similar things, but I FELT that I was learning new stuff only because I had evolved and grown in the last decade myself.
The observer that I was had grown and so I see differently and hence feel and think differently availing me to act in newer ways creating new results!!!
Tony Robbins said, either we are growing or we are dying, T Harv Eker says the same thing Robert Cooper says, Every moment of our lives we are either growing or dying and back in the day, Seneca has many quotes on learning and growing.
The message is the same and almost repetitive to some of us, because you have heard it before and again and again, the scriptures contain it, old philosophers have claimed it and modern day motivational speakers and authors say it too. I was asked about the similar message in many books about the magic of gratitude, as in my Journal – Thankfulness, Appreciation, Gratitude. We are all tapping into the same Universal source. We are hearing the same messages from varied messengers as it is the truth. So write, express yourself, don’t be afraid that what you want to say is not new, guess what? Nothing really is. (Unless you are a scientist and then too, there would have been a spark of it back in history)
As I shared in my book, “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball” Napolean Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich has been around since 1937, it came to my awareness over a decade ago and it went over my head, it re-visited me about 4 years ago and again, I didn’t get it, but last year when I read it, it hit home.
The messenger is not important, the message is and we all have a different “observer” and hence a unique way of explaining what we understand to be the truth and how it works. Through the past few weeks, I have been so humbled and grateful that so many are embracing the truth through “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball” and what warms me up even more is that it has helped so many to see that we have to keep learning and growing, or we die.
Happy weekend and TAG someone today,
With Thankfulness, Appreciation and Gratitude,
Experiencing hot and cold in your relationship? Is it really still a relationship? Be honest with yourself. You are feeling uncomfortable in your stomach, you are just not feeling like the confident, independent woman you used to be, your instincts are telling you loud and clear, but you don’t want to listen.
Why? You invested time, emotion and hope into this. How can you just give up, maybe he needs time? Psychologically it is normal to delay and postpone the undesirable inevitable.
People treat you exactly the way you expect to be treated. If you give him permission to drop in and out of your life at his whims, guess what he will do? I was once with a bunch of guy friends, listening in like one of the boys as they were praising a particular famous beauty in the country, who never opened the car door for herself, and they said, that guys did it for her because she stood there, expecting them to. They were in awe of her, because of the respect she commanded. If you “over-perform”, you leave little room for the guy to perform at all.
I love men, please don’t read me wrong, however when a man treats you in a way that is demeaning, you have to remember your Goddess responsibilities which include holding up the respect of women kind, just like Wonder Woman did!
When a man treats you disrespectfully and they come back, make sure you make it challenging for them to redeem themselves. Don’t drop your plans just to accommodate him. Never cancel on your girlfriends or family just to see him and never agree to see him on the same day that he contacts you. When a man walks out of your life, have the sensibility to know that he knew exactly what he was doing, and maybe he didn’t care enough or maybe he thinks you will easily let him back into your beautiful world.
If you are nearly as old as me, you could conjure up a vision of the magical Amazonian island that Wonder Woman and the other beautiful powerful sisters lounged around scantily clad in bliss. Hang with your girlfriends and always look your best. Remember that you are woman, the fairer sex and men spend far more minutes in a day finding ways to get into our world. It is a privilege.
If you want to accept his explanations and apologies, be his friend, don’t allow it to go beyond friendship unless he works really hard for it. He needs to sense and know that you KNOW that you deserve to be treated like a princess or a Goddess even. Just like you would with a dog or a child you want to train, you can’t be rewarding them for doing something wrong, you will confuse them. Many women I have spoken to end up becoming even more “giving”, “caring”, generous and kind to the one who treated them badly. This is absolutely the wrong time to lay on your motherly, loving need to nurture. Find a child or dog to do that with, or a best friend.
When a man just blows you off, either he’s married/involved with someone else, genuinely liked you and enjoyed the thrill or romance of dating someone new and realized that he can’t go on being deceptive OR he is just confused and has no idea what he wants. Who knows, he may have been temporarily infatuated, perhaps someone slipped him some Amortentia – (The most powerful love potion from Harry Potter; creates an infatuation or obsession – not love) Often guys like to hold out for something better. Somewhat like not accepting an invitation for a Saturday night too soon, in case something more interesting pops up. Do you want to be that girl, the “oh no one better showed up, so I will settle for her for a while?”
Unless he was himself in ICU and could not get to a phone, there is simply no reason for him to drop out of your life without an explanation. Many of my inquiries say, “but maybe he lost all his contacts”, or he has work issues, or his family are visiting. These are excuses, haven’t you been a with someone who would find the two minutes it would take to send you a text message to say what was going on, because he respects your feelings and your time?
For as long as you stay in this dissatisfying and demoralizing situation, a man who will love and cherish you will not be able to even find you. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. Eckhart Tolle
When you have one man taking up too much “rent-free” space in your mind, it is time to take an extra active role again in yourself. Think of other things to do and opportunities to meet more people, men and women. These are symptoms of infatuation.
Infatuation: One dictionary defines the word as “completely carried away by unreasoning passion or attraction.” This does not mean that it is all bad. In fact it can be extremely enjoyable and as long as you treat it as what it is, a brief interlude of romance and passion and you don’t let it turn into an obsession, is great. Distinguishing between the real thing and infatuation can be challenging especially in the early stages. Only giving it time and allowing it the opportunity to grow while you both get to know each other really, will you be able to uncover the authenticity of your feelings.
In the early stages as unromantic as this will sound, these heart-racing feelings are nothing but a chemical reaction similar to having taken a “love-potion”. It is like a cocktail of Dopamine – the “pleasure chemical,” which invoke the feeling of bliss, Norepinephrine – which is similar to adrenaline and causes your heart to race together with the amount of serotonin and dopamine released in the body explained by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist from Rutgers University.
Your life is what matters. You have to be independently happy in order to attract a worthy man into your life. Focus on your body, your mind, learn and learn more about who you are and learn ways to express yourself. Try not to allow the rush of chemicals rule your life and determine your moods which then affect your actions. How much more time are you going to waste? Through your work, your hobbies, talents and your passions and when you are most independent and happy and you least expect it, you will attract a wonderful man into your life and you will know it when this happens, it will feel easy not hard, it will flow, not need so much work and analysis, so keep your golden lasso handy.
Remember that although it may seem that we are living in a modern world, wherever you are in the world, men, instinctively still want to pursue a woman, and they appreciate what they have to work hard for, just like back in the caveman era, only hopefully now they won’t just knock you on your head with a club and drag you into their tents! 🙂
Revamp your life in just 90 days Sure, your life is pretty fabulous, but with a little help it could be sensational, says Juliet Rieden.
So, life is good. You’ve got work, friends and a loving family, not to mention a closet full of designer clothes. But could it be better? Honestly, are you completely happy with every aspect of who you are? In this ridiculous world of frenzied activity and no time to think, it’s easy to fall into the trap of settling for less.
Striving to get the best out of life – to fulfil the dreams you’ve let fall by the wayside – is not only natural, it’s achievable. The hard part is finding the motivation to overcome your stalling. Everyone’s dreams are different, but whether you want to shed a few more kilos, land a better job, pay off a mounting credit card debt or even find love, you’d be amazed how far you can get with a practical plan and some help.
More and more people are turning to life coaches to achieve their goals.
By devising a strict 12-week step-by-step program – customised to suit your individual needs – they encourage you to think about the areas you’d like to improve on (or change completely) and the feelings you want to banish. To help you get there, they monitor your progress weekly.
Life coach David Rock, 36, set up Results Coaching Systems in 1998. He now has coaches and operations throughout Australia and in Europe, North America and New Zealand. During the past decade or so, Rock has personally coached more than 100 people and claims that within 12 weeks his clients achieve 85 per cent of their goals. “Life coaching is all about changing bad habits,” he says. “People think it’s all new age but it’s one of the most real and pragmatic things you can do. The people who come to me for help are usually quite successful but are interested in doing better in some way.”
Life coach and single mum Malti Bhojwani, 32, established her Sydney-based Multi Coaching International business in the middle of past year. She coaches people through their problems via telephone.
She says that most of her clients are “either stuck in a rut or don’t have time to think, but they’re all looking for something”. Like Rock, Bhojwani works on a 12-week program.
“Ninety days is the minimum amount of time needed to instill a habit,” she says. “Those first 12 weeks are the hardest part.”
Whether life coaching is for you or not, the underlying principle of setting positive goals within a fixed time scale has been proven to unleash impressive results. There’s no hidden secret to the process, but says Bhojwani “you have to be willing to make a shift”.
Forging better relationships, be they with lovers, family or friends is the one goal most people dream about. “Everyone wants a great relationship, but the biggest thing is getting people to face scary things like asking someone out,” says Rock.
The great news is that improved relationships are often a by-product of fixing other areas of your life. “I needed to do something different to change from being a “gonna do it person” to an “I’m doing it person”.
“An avid creator of collages and montages, Lewin set a goal to put on an exhibition. The show went ahead and she sold four original works and three copies. Having been ill for so long, the satisfaction of achieving her goal changed Lewin’s life immeasurably and even improved her marriage.
“We’d been married for 21 years but until I did the life coaching my husband wasn’t at all interested in personal development and growing,” she says. “But afterwards he could see how much happier I had become.”
show me the money
Not only is earning great money imminently achievable, but so is hanging onto it and digging your way out of a quagmire of debts. Emma Hohnen, 30, was a Strategic Marketing Manager for Zurich Financial Services when she enlisted with life coach Susan Denington (from Results Coaching Systems) to help her pursue her passion for natural healing and train as a naturopath.
Despite her high income, Hohnen’s finances were on rocky ground when she quit her job, so she was apprehensive about student life.
“But Susan taught me to stay in the moment, within each week,” she says. This meant following a strict budget (only $100 spending money a week), giving up her gym membership and forgoing meals out and shopping trips. The results were beyond her wildest dreams. “I discovered that all that stuff I was doing like eating out and shopping I was actually doing to fill me up, but it didn’t work. Before, I focused on making money and being successful. Now I realise that those are things that will happen in time, you just have to trust yourself,” she says.
let’s get physical
Unless you’re a natural athlete or gym junkie, finding the time and motivation to stick to a regular physical regime isn’t easy. But, as with other areas, achieving your goal is all about creating a great plan.
“Instead of saying I want to lose some weight, go for a positive goal like fitting into that red dress,” says Rock. He recommends finding a partner to exercise with or, if money’s no object, hiring a personal trainer. There are also ways of exercising for free. Emma Hohnen quit her gym and started running outdoors and swimming in the sea. Alternatively you could power walk or simply take the stairs instead of the lift at work.
a new you
” I just want a job I love. I want to be excited about getting up for work each morning.” Sound familiar? A 2002 study by the Australia Institute revealed that nearly a quarter of Australians have actively chosen to downshift, swapping high stress and high incomes for less money and less stress.
Helping you find a new path is what life coaches excel at. Sydney based architect John Burgess, 40, wanted to build up his business and make time for creative pursuits. So, he teamed up with Rock who helped him align the two areas. Burgess wanted to put on an exhibition of his own light fitting designs, so he developed an entirely new concept for his business, putting out new products and setting up licensing deals.
Emma Hohnen’s sea change, swapping a finance job for training to be a naturopath, also left her in raptures. She’s still studying but has set up a part-time massage business. “I’m more relaxed and healthy, my skin glows and people even tell me how young I look,” she says. “Plus, I no longer have that anxiety every morning in the pit of my stomach.”
“Ninety days is the minimum amount of time needed to instill a healthy habit” – Malti Bhojwani Professional Life Coach
Multi-Coaching International on +61419 119 00. www.multi-coaching.com
The Sunday Telegraph
This report appears on NEWS.com.au.
My first every article since becoming a life coach. This was when I had graduated from ICA (International Coach Academy) and I was working with a coach myself – Sandhi Spiers.
This is what led to (a decade later) my published best-seller “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball”
I was amazed to see how many websites this article still appears on and it has even been translated into several languages!!! 🙂
Our marriage was falling apart and we completely hated each other. Our child’s world was crumbling, too. It was at this exact time when we needed to work constructively as parents. By Malti Bhojwani.
I have been divorced for over 5 years now and have a beautiful 11-year-old daughter. My ex-husband has remarried and the couple now has a baby girl. I get along very well with my ex-husband and his wife. There are many reasons for this alliance.
On the rocks
The most important thing for me has been to sustain a happy family life for my daughter. Deciding to have a child was a separate commitment from the one we made to marry each other. So from day one, we established that we needed to have utter respect for each other, if not as life partners then just as co-parents.
Trust is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship. Both parents need to feel that the other will do what he or she says they will.
This was easier said than done. We were both malicious. He hid our daughter’s passport and often threatened to take her away from me and go where I would never be able to find them. I threatened to get a restraining order that would keep him from coming within a certain radius. There was name-calling that lasted for months. Friends and family had to mediate. We competed for our daughter’s love and affection and each thought one was “better” than the other. We put each other down in front of friends and family. We both swore we were doing all this for the benefit of our daughter!
Seeing the light
Luckily, we both grew up. We owned up to our respective childishness. We also came to accept that we both loved our daughter very much and wanted the divorce to work. My ex-husband and I genuinely started to cooperate.
I realized that no one, apart from my ex, had our daughter’s best interest at heart as much as me. When he was about to remarry, I also realized that I didn’t want my daughter to have to be with a fairy tale wicked stepmother. With these things in mind, I decided to make being friends with my ex-husband a priority. I worked on nurturing a healthy friendship with his wife, respecting her role as my ex-husband’s partner and my daughter’s stepmother, often seeking her support and opinion. I was careful never to cross the boundaries or to take advantage of the fact that I, too, was once married to her husband.
I appreciate her influence in my daughter’s life. Sometimes she sees things that I miss. For example, she has instilled some good habits in my daughter and given her beauty, nutrition and hygiene tips that I had overlooked. I discovered that people generally have so much to contribute to others, if we would only let them.
Malti Bhojwani is a trained Life Coach based in Australia. She specializes in working one-on-one with people to help them enhance their relationships. Call 0419 11 99 00 for a free trial session or visit www.multi-coaching.comOther things I have learned along the way: Never refer to you and your ex-spouse as “we” in front of your or your ex’s current partner. Never make references to your intimacy and life together in their presence. Try not to bring up or reminisce about your life together. This may only make your current partner insecure and possibly resent you and, therefore, your child. I knew I had to show my ex-husband and his wife respect and honor their marriage if I wanted to sustain the pleasant co-parenting we had achieved by then.
You may think that this is about sacrificing and giving in but really it’s about being selfish. This is an approach advocated by Ron Wilkinson, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Dallas with 23 years of clinical experience working with families. Dr. Wilkinson has been co-parent to his two sons, now 21 and 24, with his ex-wife for the last 13 years. He and his wife remain good friends.
“I encourage parents to be goal-oriented and selfish,” Wilkinson told me in one of our discussions. “In our culture, ‘selfish’ tends to be [interpreted as a negative] word. In a more pure sense, however, a selfish person is someone who gets what he or she wants.” When parents see that there is something in it for them, to have a friendship with the ex-husband or to appear like the good guy, for example, it makes the whole task easier to do.
Family functioning has been the major emphasis of Wilkinson’s study and training at both the master’s and doctoral level. He has treated many families struggling with this issue, and has found time and again that nothing is more important to a child’s life after the divorce than the relationship between the parents. His 1992 doctoral dissertation confirmed this fact.
If you want your children to think well of you, now and when they grow up; if you want your former spouse to be more cooperative, if you want to have a say in your child’s life, be selfish and go for what you want, Wilkinson tells his patients. When they grow up, children always value a parent who stayed in their lives; they are resentful and angry when a parent leaves them or continually causes difficulty. A child is not concerned with who is right and who is wrong; he or she is concerned with having a relationship with both parents-regardless of the child’s age.
Respond rather than react
I learned slowly that this is not a goal for the faint-hearted. It requires a lot of restraint, strength and focus. In my training and experience as a Life Coach and a parent, I have learned to respond rather than react.
A reaction is automatic, not thought through consequentially, whereas a response is chosen. Between an action and its reaction there is a space, and in that space is the opportunity to choose. Responding is using that space to make that choice and to do or say what will get you closer to your goal. In your dealings with your ex-spouse, always remember that your goal is having a working and pleasant relationship. It is your goal because of what it’s going to bring your child and YOU.
I did my share of reacting and the result was more reactions from him and, in no time, we were threatening and abusing each other, ending up with a very frightened and confused little girl crying her eyes out and begging us to stop. Since then, we have developed the habit of carefully choosing our responses instead of impulsively reacting to each other.
Keep your promises
Trust is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship. Both parents need to feel that the other will do what he or she says they will. If you say you are going to drive your child to a birthday party and arrange for the present, pay for your child’s dental treatment or call your child at 7 p.m., do so.
Be polite. Say “please” and “thank you.” Remember: “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” In human relationships, such as marriage and co-parenting, either both partners win or one wins at the expense of the other. And when this happens, the one who really loses is the child. Adopt a WIN-WIN approach in everything that you do.
The factors that enable married parents to work harmoniously are the same as those that help divorced parents work together, says Rick Hanson Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the first author of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships (Penguin, 2002). He and his wife, Jan, have a 15-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter.
These factors include personal well-being, emotional openness, civility, empathy, goodwill, clarity about the values and principles that guide parenting practices and skill at negotiating practical arrangements. Separate your feelings about the divorce from the business of co-parenting, working out the details of finances, custody, vacations and grandparents, and integrating new friends/lovers/mates, Hanson adds.
Maintaining a working alliance with our child’s other parent will give your child a sense of family and belonging. When parents make a decision to have a child, it is a lifetime commitment.
Forgiveness is crucial
Perhaps it was a little easier for me because my ex-husband did not leave me for his wife. If such were the case, feelings of insecurity, resentment, jealousy and bitterness would have definitely cropped up between my ex’s partner and me.
For people who have been hurt or had to give up so much in going through a divorce, revenge or “making the other person suffer” may often be the aim. This is when it is crucial to stay focused on your child and your fulfilment as a parent and as a human being. You can’t turn back the clock, and being nasty to your ex’s partner or teaching your child to do so will only make it harder for them to accept and love your child. To “for-give” is to free yourself to give-“for-giving!”
It’s okay to love them
When was the last time you thanked your ex or your child’s stepparent for their support in your child’s upbringing? Acknowledgement is a beautiful way of reinforcing and encouraging positive behavior.
While researching for this article, I realized all the things that I was thankful for. I wrote a letter to my ex-husband and his wife, thanking and acknowledging them. The letter was received graciously and we shared an emotional and touching moment as a result. My ex asked if I would mind if he showed the letter to our daughter, to let her know that I liked her father and stepmother and that it was OK for her to like and love them, too.
Often, children feel torn between their parents. It was important for my daughter to see that I was not jealous or hurt that she also loved her stepmom and her half-sister. We have pictures of her little half-sister all over our place.
Two things: First, if you and your ex-spouse don’t come to a mutual agreement regarding child support, custody and visitation, you’re only leaving it up to the government to decide on the matter. You end up giving up your choice. Second, ensure that power as well as responsibility is shared between both parents.
There is nothing easy about this. But it’s all worth it. We all want fulfilment, pride and the knowledge that we did our best as parents. Maintaining a working alliance with our child’s other parent will give your child a sense of family and belonging. When parents make a decision to have a child, it is a lifetime commitment.
As we have all heard, life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to what happens to us.
We have emotional relationships with certain words. This is also true of many other things, gestures – someone pointing a finger at you, a particular tone of voice or sound.
I call these “triggers” or “buttons”
One of the greatest blocks to communication is that some words are emotionally charged. They are words that trigger an automatic emotional reaction within us. To use a trigger word in an argument – a word such as controlling or manipulative – can turn a discussion into a battle instantly.
Words like never and ever also do the same.
We have an emotional charge attached to certain words because of our life experience.
When someone flings a trigger word at us, or we at them, it is like we have shot or hosed them down. It usually causes them to go on the defensive and start flinging some back at us – or perhaps go into some other defensive mode, many women would panic or cry and create waves, and often men would hibernate and go into their caves. (Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus – John Gray)
As long as we are not willing to look for the cause behind our emotional relationship with a word we are still giving power to our past and whatever circumstance caused our emotional wound.
These words bring about our UACs /Gremlins/Underlying Fears.
In my coach training at ICA (International Coach Academy) we called these Underlying Fears/Gremlins – UACs – Underlying Automatic Commitments.
In simple terms, they are the things that you believe to be true about yourself and they then determine the basis for how you operate. It doesn’t matter whether they’re true or not, you believe they’re true and so you make them your truth.
We call them commitments, because a part us is habitually committed to reacting certain rehearsed and familiar way, that does not serve you anymore.
Examples of some common ones are:
– I am not good enough
– Noone loves me
– Will I ever be loved for who I am
– Am I a bad person?
How to break the pattern of reacting to triggers that activate our UACs instead of from our authentic self and our true desires?
First things first. In order to respond from the ‘our authentic self’, first we have to decide who that is.
Who am I?
Malti – no – that is just my name
Drishti’s mother – no that is who I am to her.
A life coach – that is my vocation.
A woman – my gender
So, who am I?
“Aham Brahmasmi” is how I discovered – “I am”
You can find definitions of this in Hindu scriptures.
I personally resonated very well with Deepak Chopra’s definition in the first of his seven sutra statements described in his book, Synchrodestiny.
THE CORE OF MY BEING IS THE ULTIMATE REALITY, THE ROOT AND GROUND OF THE UNIVERSE, THE SOURCE OF ALL THAT EXISITS.
You could also try this:
Inner Being 20 minute meditation:
Free download from here:
Increasing your self-awareness is about living authentically and overcoming your fears. These fears include the ones we are consciously aware of like the fear of spiders for example, and some that we are not aware of, but these are the fears that cause us to react and feel a certain way about any given circumstance.
The circumstance may be a problem or it may be an opportunity, our underlying fears will determine which.
Increasing your self-awareness is a journey full of steps forward and regression. Searching for your identity is a process with no real destination. You’ll never be “done” because you’re always growing and changing.
Living authentically and finding your identity involves dealing with your past and forgiving others.
Noticing how we react to situations and the emotions that come up will help give you the key to what your underlying fears are. After the reaction, stop and look at the feelings and doubts that come up in your mind.
When you find yourself afraid, panicking and resisting whatever is going on.
When you find yourself willing and praying for a certain outcome, you will be face to face with your deep-rooted underlying fear, which in my experience boils down to “I am not good enough” for many of us.
To help you discover these underlying fears think of what the trigger was?
We all have some triggers that would fire off the process of negative emotions.
I have some trigger words that get me going, I am sure you do too. It is that word or that assumption that often *somebody else uses on you that sets you off – and often to an uncontrollable downward spiral where you are reacting and reacting.
Not realising that you are not reacting to just the current situation but you are reacting to the primary situation. The first time you experienced these feelings and associated them with these triggers.
*Tat Svam Asi
The second of Deepak’s Sutra Statements in the Synchrodestiny:
THROUGH THE MIRROR OF RELATIONSHIPS I DISCOVER MY NONLOCAL SELF
I SEE OTHERS IN MYSELF AND MYSELF IN OTHERS.
So it is only in relationships that we get to see ourselves truly and how we react and behave, eventually through this “relating” we get to peel the layers and discover our real selves.
So, what to do?
The next time someone you are in any kind of relationship with pushes one of these buttons that triggers a negative emotion, stop, breathe and wait. Take time to respond rather than react automatically.
When that trigger is fired, ask yourself, what behavior do you want to do instead?
This can only be answered when we know who we are and who we want to be. Then ask yourself, if I have already been through my journey and have already discovered this self, this beautiful self, how would he/she react in this situation? What outcome do I want here?
What am I committed to creating here?
To fulfill and give more supporting evidence to my old negative beliefs?
Let this be another time I get to prove that –
“All women are users”
“All men are bustards”
“There are no free rides”
“People are always out to get me”
Or….. do you want to create an outcome where you get to break the old patterns and reaffirm how you can live the life you desire and that you deserve to be happy?
When we react based on our commitments (underlying or conscious),
We will create an outcome.
The key is to react based on the desired outcome rather than the limiting negative old belief.
Practice makes perfect.
Whenever we learn a new response to a predictable old pattern, we have to practice doing it deliberately. The difference is, when you do it on purpose, you can accelerate the learning. Otherwise, you are left to the slow learning that comes from repeating undesired behaviors over and over.
In the movie Yes Man, Jim Carrey’s character Carl starts out as an extreme example of someone who has an Underlying Automatic Commitment (UAC) to “No”. No matter what opportunities come his way, no matter what someone may offer him or ask of him, Carl is pre-programmed and ready with an excuse as to why he can’t do it. Later in the movie, he is hypnotized into saying “Yes” to everything.
In the end, Carl finally learns how to say “Yes” or “No” authentically and with equal conviction, based on what he truly wants rather than an old negative belief that rendered him a prisoner of his own pre-programming.
The old habit of living in the Underlying commitment only serves to give us a way to automatically come up with excuses and it prevents us from fully living and experiencing life itself. While when we start to create a new habit of responding to the situations based on our truths, not the bullshit we made up as we were growing up, we are present, aware, receptive, vulnerable and open to the uncertainty of the very next moment in time, being authentically who we are.
Relationship “A Verb not a Noun” 3 ways to relate with your partner lovingly everyday. Look at your relationship as a verb not a noun. It is something that you are doing everyday rather than a ship you are sailing on.
You are in a relationship for as log as you are relating with this person. And if you are doing so lovingly then you are in a good relationship! Whose responsibility is a relationship? Is it 50-50? 80-20? In my opinion, each partner has to give 100% in order for a relationship to work. 1. “Want to” Vs “Have to” Relationships are “created” and do not exist until two people unite in a common purpose. The only purpose that can work is “to commit to relating with each other in a loving and positive way.” You make a choice to continue to relate with another person so that each of you can meet your life goals and attain personal growth. If you have children, then creating a loving environment would be one of the common purposes.
When you know that you want to be with this person more than you want anything else in the world, then everything you do for each other and to keep your life together harmonious will come from desire and a true “want” instead of a compulsion or a “have-to”. You will not have anything to complain about. 2. Respond Vs React Learning to respond with your “goal” in mind rather than reacting angrily or defensively to each other is essential. The said “goal” is “to relate with this person lovingly everyday”. So the next time your partner pushes your buttons or says something that almost invokes an impulsive reaction, wait and think about that goal.
(Look out for my next article on “Buttons by Professional Life Coach Malti Bhojwani)
“A reaction is automatic, not thought through consequentially, whereas a response is chosen. Between an action and its reaction there is a space, and in that space is the opportunity to choose. Responding is using that space to make that choice and to do or say what will get you closer to your goal” Choosing to respond in a sensitive manner to the feelings of your partner is a priceless habit to form in order to have a loving relationship. Selfish vs. Selfless All this is different from letting your partner walk all over you.
No one wants to be a doormat, or be involved in a relationship with a pushover. So it is your responsibility to take care of “Number 1” – you. Being selfish simply means taking responsibility for yourself, which is far more commendable than being a victim and blaming others and your circumstances for your situation. When you are selfish in this way, only then can the people around you be happy too. Sometimes, you may realize that in fact, “giving” your partner what they want instead of being stubborn about what you want, will often in fact make YOU happy. There is a delicate balance between giving freely and thinking of our own needs. This is the trickiest relationship skill to master, but perhaps the most rewarding. – Malti Bhojwani Life Coach
Nona Walia, TNN | Jul 1, 2013, 12.00 AM IST
“It took me 23 years to walk out from an abusive marriage. I have suffered every day of my life, emotionally and physically, but I didn’t have the confidence or the self-esteem to walk out. I felt isolated. Most abusers have a pattern. They isolate you and then begin the abuse, when you feel totally disarmed. In my case, my husband would always say terrible things about my friendsand family. So, I was even cut off from my parents. I didn’t have anyone to rely on. I used to wonder, even after continuous abuse, how I can live without this man because no matter how successful women may be, they question their capability if their man criticises them continuously. They never have the confidence to walk out. The mind becomes weak. Even though women may appear to be super successful to the outside world, they are helpless to act in such situations.” — Jaya Khanna, victim of domestic abuse
She is known as the domestic goddess with an estimated worth of £23 million. But the picture of TV cook and author Nigella Lawson’s (53) distraught face as her husband, art collector and advertising guruCharles Saatchi (70), held her by her throat during an argument a fortnight ago would leave you with an awful, but familiar, pit in the stomach. Too many women — no matter how smart, educated, powerful or emancipated — tolerate abusive relationships for far too long. But why? We ask experts, who deal with abusive relationships in their chosen fields of work, to tell us about the reasons given by most women…
“Good or bad, most women allow relationships to define them”
“Good or bad, most women allow relationships to define them. A lot of women are scared of being alone. Some even get their sense of worth from being in a relationship and being viewed by society as so-and-so’s partner/wife/girlfriend. Outwardly, women may appear to be confident and smart, but inside, they only get their confidence and sense of value from being in a relationship. That’s why they find it hard to let go of a relationship even if it’s abusive.” — Gopika Kapoor, author
“Women don’t want to let go of the security the man provides”
“A woman in an abusive relationship will never admit to the world that she’s under emotional or physical duress at home and that her success hasn’t really empowered her. She does not want to tell the world that her man treats her badly. She likes the security of a husband because we live in a world where the image of a married woman, no matter how battered, is better than a single woman!” — Rekha Aggarwal, High Court lawyer
“Sometimes, women confuse violence for love”
“Nigella Lawson is the domestic goddess. She has a lot of brands riding on her, and one reason for not walking out could be that her £23 million empire is based on this image — the woman who has everything! A rich husband, a wonderful career, a fabulous face… and now even a slimmer figure. But there could be something deeper. Apparently, she had an abusive mother, who used to threaten to beat her till she cried when she was a child. Nigella now says she learnt not to cry. So whilst there are no economic reasons for someone like her to remain in an abusive relationship, sometimes women do get caught up — for all kinds of psychological reasons — in a violent relationship. They confuse violence and abuse for love, especially, if there was a childhood history of violence. And many women, even those who are rich and famous all over the world, may have faced some kind of violence in their life, sadly.” — Kishwar Desai, author
“Fear of uncertainty keeps women from walking out”
“In a bad relationship, there is loss of self-worth. Women need to live and rotate on their own axis, but they don’t. When one revolves her life, and bases her happiness solely on one man, she loses herself. Women tend to become dependent on the man to make them feel good. So, anything he says and does has an impact on them. Even in an abusive relationship, women lose the concept of reality. Any small act of kindness from this man is all they live for. They are willing victims of abuse because they prefer any attention from him than none. The fear of losing him is worse than death. Anyone who stays in an unhealthy, abusive relationship needs medical help because it is clearly not love. You can only love another person when you love yourself. And a person who loves herself would protect her life and safety first. This dependency is an unhealthy obsession. There is also the fear of uncertainty for the future which keeps women from walking out of bad relationships.” — Malti Bhojwani, life coach
“Most victims feel disempowered to walk out”
“I think physical abuse does not exist in isolation, it comes with emotional and psychological abuse as well. Most women in such situations suffer not only from physical scars but a depleted sense of self-esteem. They feel disempowered. When someone is in that frame of mind, it is very difficult for them to extract themselves from the situation.” — Advaita Kala, author
“Women who find themselves weak have had dominating fathers”
“Helplessness to act against abuse has its roots in childhood conditioning. If someone chooses to stay in a violent relationship, it shows that her defence mechanism is weak. As a child, these women probably never rebelled or spoke their minds. Now, they see their father’s image in their partner and don’t want to rebel. Women, who find themselves weak, almost always have had dominating fathers. And the best part is that most of them don’t even realise that they had one controlling parent, if not both. So they let their partner dominate them, unknowingly, right from the beginning of the relationship. Another reason is the fear of losing their sense of security. That fear is much higher than the pain of abuse. This makes them suffer just how an addict suffers. An addict fears the dreadful condition much more than the probability of his death because of the drug or alcohol abuse. But the most important reason is the innate fear of abandonment in a woman. Today’s educated woman has made herself powerful enough to deal with this fear, but somehow, it still prevails in the subconscious mind.” — Kamal Khurana, marriage counsellor
“A woman will go to any extreme to preserve a relationship, however abusive”
“The internalisation of patriarchal violence for centuries — where women have been told they were responsible for men hitting them — is the reason why most of us still find excuses to condone it. ‘He was stressed, I should have understood better’, ‘He has not seen a better role model, I should give him time’, ‘This is the last time’… there are reasons galore why women think they are far better off with these men rather than leaving them. Another major reason is that women equate the end of a relationship with a failed life. So they will go to any extreme to preserve it. For a few, it is that misguided sense of destiny. We are a country of so many cultures and yet one thing that strings us together is that we all feel that the sole proof of ‘having a life’ is either being in a relationship or being married!” — Raksha Bharadia, author
As featured in the Times of India – iDiva :
Click here to read it:
1st July 2013
Life Coach Malti Bhojwani on Privacy, Secrecy & Trust in Intimate Relationships.
Two wrongs do not make a right. Many years ago, in a relationship that soon went diving south, my ex boyfriend confronted me about discussing the problems in our relationship with my best girlfriend! How did he know this? He snooped through my text messages on my phone.
Indignant about what he had done and the betrayal of trust, I lost control and the ability to see eye to eye with him. All while he manipulated the situation to still making me “wrong” for confiding in my best friend in the first place. ?@%&&#^!$!!!
Are you as flabbergasted as I was?
1st up: girlfriends always discuss their relationships and we do discuss things that boyfriends or husbands should never know about! My litmus test now is to check how much I need to complain to my girlfriends about the relationship I am in. If I am complaining too much, then it means I am unable to trust him with the truth and that is not a good thing.
2ndly: In the olden days, people kept private diaries and it was never OK to snoop into anyone’s diary. Today, email and text messages may not be seen as private as a diary. But, the same rules of privacy apply.
3rdly: Digging leads to finding a lot of crap you were better off without! By digging, I am referring to both probing with interrogative questions directly and snooping behind the persons’ back.
Seek and ye shall find, curiosity killed the cat!
Snooping is playing with fire, so don’t do it if you don’t want to get burnt! The danger of snooping in the present is that often, some conversations are from people processing their own feelings. We don’t blurt out every thought as we think them, so this privacy should be treated with respect as well – some things are simply NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! If it is the past that you are snooping into, read on….more on this in the later paragraphs.
Honestly, can you safely say that every conversation you have with your family or best friend will not hurt or upset your partner, if they happened to be eavesdropping or if they stumbled upon it?
How would it feel if you felt you could not be 100% honest with anyone, just in case the wrong eyes or ears may be watching?
Past Future Present
No this is not an English lesson. Your past is history, and your future is a mystery. But work on your present, and make it this relationship the best. The best of relationships are based on trust in every sense of the word. It is not just the kind of trust that upkeeps fidelity, but also the trust that your partner is strong enough and discerning enough to decide what they share with you, what they withhold and what kind of help or support they need from you. If you trust them then you should not cross those lines no matter what.
We have many reasons for not wanting to reveal all of our experiences, thoughts, fears, plans to a partner. You shouldn’t have to defend not revealing embarrassing or hurtful moments from your past, it is really and truly none of their business!
Why are you tempted to snoop?
How much about this curiosity is about you? How do you feel about yourself? The need to spy can be a sign of insecurity. Perhaps you feel you are not good enough for your partner compared to their exes and that they may leave you in time. Remember that in adult relationships, if you are together it is because you are all they want. Your partner is with you in spite of his or her past because they CHOOSE to be with you. In fact, don’t feel bad about their or your own past lovers once you’ve settled down with someone you truly love – you’re with this special person today because of the coincidences and relationships you’ve experienced before.
If you are tempted to snoop because of his or her current behaviour and you are suspicious then ask them honestly instead. Be careful not to jump to accusations and speak from where you are, using “I” – “I feel as if you’re secretive. I notice you leave the room to talk on the phone. I feel like you’re working late a lot.” (Advice derived from Dr. Terri Orbuch – (research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, psychologist, and Oakland University professor.)
Keep the Past Where it Belongs!
If you are curious about their past then ask yourself how important this information really is to you. If you feel that you won’t be negatively affected with whatever is revealed, then why ask? If you think it could be a turn on, then you are playing with fire and unless this is a relationship you are willing to risk for the sake of this experiment then I strongly suggest you stop it right there!
It is natural to be curious, but it will bring up all sorts of issues if they discuss parts of their past that they are uncomfortable to talk about with you, and no one should have to. Leave it up to them if they are comfortable with it and if not then it’s not necessary. In return, don’t probe, what you need to know will come out in time, through general conversation. If you don’t like being interrogated, try not to do it to others. If your partner is probing into your past too much and you can’t see a satisfying ending by exploring it, seal the doors of your past and throw the keys.
Draw Your Lines
Don’t confuse intimacy with ownership. You can be very close to your partner but your privacy is precious, and it’s your right to choose the limits of your privacy. If you are with someone who does not understand how to respect your boundaries, don’t attack them, but rather be understanding as well and educate them. You may not have drawn your lines clearly enough. An ex colleague walked into my office once and she could see my passport sticking out of my handbag and without asking me, she reached for it to see my passport photo. I took deep offence but later realise that she didn’t have the same reservations about privacy and personal space. She was just being cute and I was very harsh on her. Sometimes, we need to take responsibility and communicate where our lines are. Just be firm and make it clear to them that you have limits.
A relationship is made up of two parts: each individual and their life together. If either of these components gets lost, you no longer have a relationship.
Love between two people is having a passionate interest in each other’s lives and thoughts, and yet respecting each other’s mystery. We will never know our partners completely, and that’s the way it should be. The past is just that “the past” and nobody has the right to pry into it or force their partner to tell them everything that happened. When there’s talk about past relationships, there’s always bound to be comparisons. Don’t get into the “comparison game”. It can drive you and your partner crazy.
Give your partner some breathing space. There are some things that should remain hidden and unknown after all. I’m sure your relationship will not be different if you leave some things like that. Don’t let envy and jealousy ruin a beautiful relationship.
The past is the past. Nothing can change that. All you can do now is accept it and it is easier to accept what you don’t know! The past to them would be old irrelevant snippets from their past but making them rehash it just to satisfy your curiosity is bringing buried stuff to the forefront that your partner has deliberately left in the past. Sometimes we have to burn the bridges behind to make the present successful.
“And stand together, yet not too near together. For the pillars of the temple stand apart.” Kahlil Gibran
“The Greatest Love of All” is a song written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed and originally recorded by George Benson for the 1977 Mohammad Ali movie ‘The Greatest’ then popularized by the late Whitney Houston (God Bless her soul – I loved her so much) said, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all”.
It is about altering the way you see and the actions you take. It is about finding your own axis and rotating around that instead of around someone else. It saddens me how successful, beautiful people can throw it all away over a man.
In my book “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball” I touched on this axis, “When you can find your own axis, you can revolve around it, for when you revolve your life on someone outside of you, you lose your own alignment. Just as the earth revolves around its own axis daily and through this eternal gentle revolving it also revolves around the sun, if you don’t find your own axis and you don’t gently revolve, you cannot be for anyone.
Then, once you have centered on your axis and someone else who has also centered on theirs is brought into your world, the two of you can come together and there is a collision of axes and you shift from your center. This is the sensation of ‘falling in love’.
If, after the initial combustion, you can realign so that you can revolve on your own axis and simultaneously rotate with the other body, then you may have found a true and balanced way of relating; thus, a healthy relationship. You maintain and grow your individuality as you serve the world as well and live your own purpose whilst simultaneously relating lovingly with another.”
“Learning to love yourself is the Greatest Love of All” I know you have heard this so many times, but do you really get it? What does self-love mean? It is learning to get to know yourself like you would a new lover. Finding out again what your favorite colors, music, and food is. What is most important to you? What you truly desire in this lifetime. What you want your eulogy to say, what your principles and values are what emotions you want to experience more of in your life as you pursue your desires.
Choose YOU, again and again. What you won’t stand for, what you won’t tolerate, what your God-given talents are and how you can improve them and share them. Loving yourself truly, madly, deeply and stretching your comfort zone to truly extract and savor all the good stuff you want from life while at the same time giving the world more and more of the best you, is the ONLY way you will attract love beyond imagination into your own life.
If you are already in a relationship, give your partner the gift of listening. Listen to them, not just with your ears, but with your whole body, feel them, look them in the eye, re-establish trust and intimacy and listen to them. Trust that you can communicate with them without FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real.
Don’t be scared of losing them, you won’t if they love you the same way and if they don’t love you, then this isn’t it yet. Two independent self-loving individuals are strong enough to accept each other and have big enough hearts to forgive each other when they hurt each other.
The most important thing a woman can do, is to work on herself and get her physical, emotional and financial life into great shape…in other words become the quality woman who is sought out by the kind of man she wishes to be with in the first place. When her inner world is full of happiness & joy and she is independent, secure & stable…it shines through and creates magnetism around her that everyone (not just men she’s interested in) can feel.
When she loses the need (and nothing kills attraction faster than neediness) to be with someone she is more likely to find someone who wishes to be with her. Basically she becomes the kind of woman with high self-esteem and high character who DOES NOT need a man to fill any hole inside of her.
Quality men look for quality women and the best way to attract the kind of man she wants is to become the kind of woman he’d like to be with. A popular misconception about men is that they are only concerned about a woman’s appearance and are only interested in sex. While this may hold true for the general populace, the ones we regard as “Quality” men would much rather spend time with, be with and date an average looking woman with a great character and a more fulfilling personality than a hot, dysfunctional drama queen!
I attracted the love of my life when I truly finally fell in love madly with myself. I discovered my true calling, gems and purpose and pursued them with blinkers on. I stopped making decisions about men or possibilities of meeting a nice guy. I put my career and purpose above all that. I know you have heard this before and that you are wishing I have some fresh news for you, I really get it. I have been there, the incessant checking of my phone to see if a guy I had hopes of would text me or want to see me again. I’d chase them covertly, looking for excuses to contact them and trying to act all nonchalant about it; I’d change my profile pictures or go to events just to attract attention. And I did this nonsense with guys that I wasn’t even sure I really liked, just to get their attention and see that they liked me!
It saddens me the number of women out there who spent their life just looking for a man, waiting to be loved, waiting for somebody to come into their life and sweep them off their feet. And then they do everything in their power to make it happen. They put lots of efforts into everything to attract that man to take away the loneliness. And when they meet some nice guys, because they are so desperate for this one to be the one, you know, maybe they are not desperate, but they are tired. I don’t know if you have been there, when you are just exhausted, you are like you know can’t this just be, can’t he be the one and then this can be over so that we can live happily there after.
And so, because of that tiredness and desperation, you put all the previous drama into this one guy, this one sweet person who you just met just to get him to do what you want him to do. You become so transparently needy and yet when friends point it out to you, you deny it because you think you have covered it up well under the layers of makeup!
You want him to call you, you want to act in such a way you want to know that he cares, you want to know that he is as attracted to you as you are to him. But you know in most cases you are not even sure if you like him, you just wanted him to like you.
And where I am getting at is that you cannot build your life around looking for a man or around being attractive or finding that man. The only way to attract a good solid relationship that is not co-independent that is not needy is when you are actually falling in love with yourself again and you actually living a life that is committed to your goals, your dreams and your desires. And along the way, along the way, yes you may attract love into your life – if you are lucky. Yes it’s a lucky few who attract that kind of love.
I implore you to live a life that is about you and not about a man. Even when you find a man you love him, yes love him, love him with all your heart but don’t stop living your life. Don’t let your life revolve around whether he called or he did not. Whether he cares about you, whether he is attracted to you or not, no you love him.
You give him what you want to give him but simultaneously you pursue your life, your life is more than about a man. Your life is about you, your likes and dislike, the things that you enjoy, people who are dependent on you, who love you, who need your time and want your time. Your work, your colleagues, your taste, what do you enjoy,. Live for you, there will be no room for loneliness. Focus on you. Be an empowered woman and then watch how men will then fall at your feet.
Above is an excerpt from my latest E-Book – YoUniverse – Start Living The Life of Your Dreams – only available online from my facebook page.
We have all had relationships in our past that didn’t work. Then there is the one that got away, but shouldn’t have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love yet just would not work. You felt like the Universe conspired to bring the two of you together against all odds and all the signs were positive and pointed in the direction of the two of you being together. How do you let go of a relationship like this?
When your partner in that relationship was at his or her best, he or she met all of your needs. He or she was the perfect fit for you. If he or she could have been that way with you 100% of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would be in the relationship still. The times he or she was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.