What words really get to you? We all have emotional relationships with certain words – I call these words – “Buttons” by Malti Bhojwani – Professional Certified Life Coach & Author

July 4, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  1 Comment

As we have all heard, life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to what happens to us.

We have emotional relationships with certain words. This is also true of many other things, gestures – someone pointing a finger at you, a particular tone of voice or sound.
I call these “triggers” or “buttons”

One of the greatest blocks to communication is that some words are emotionally charged. They are words that trigger an automatic emotional reaction within us. To use a trigger word in an argument – a word such as controlling or manipulative – can turn a discussion into a battle instantly.

Words like never and ever also do the same.
We have an emotional charge attached to certain words because of our life experience.
When someone flings a trigger word at us, or we at them, it is like we have shot or hosed them down. It usually causes them to go on the defensive and start flinging some back at us – or perhaps go into some other defensive mode, many women would panic or cry and create waves, and often men would hibernate and go into their caves. (Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus – John Gray)

As long as we are not willing to look for the cause behind our emotional relationship with a word we are still giving power to our past and whatever circumstance caused our emotional wound.

These words bring about our UACs /Gremlins/Underlying Fears.
In my coach training at ICA (International Coach Academy) we called these Underlying Fears/Gremlins – UACs – Underlying Automatic Commitments.
In simple terms, they are the things that you believe to be true about yourself and they then determine the basis for how you operate. It doesn’t matter whether they’re true or not, you believe they’re true and so you make them your truth.

We call them commitments, because a part us is habitually committed to reacting certain rehearsed and familiar way, that does not serve you anymore.

Examples of some common ones are:

– I am not good enough
– Noone loves me
– Will I ever be loved for who I am
– Am I a bad person?

How to break the pattern of reacting to triggers that activate our UACs instead of from our authentic self and our true desires?
First things first. In order to respond from the ‘our authentic self’, first we have to decide who that is.

Who am I?
Malti – no – that is just my name
Drishti’s mother – no that is who I am to her.
A life coach – that is my vocation.
A woman – my gender

So, who am I?

“Aham Brahmasmi” is how I discovered – “I am”

You can find definitions of this in Hindu scriptures.

I personally resonated very well with Deepak Chopra’s definition in the first of his seven sutra statements described in his book, Synchrodestiny.

Aham Brahmasmi:
THE CORE OF MY BEING IS THE ULTIMATE REALITY, THE ROOT AND GROUND OF THE UNIVERSE, THE SOURCE OF ALL THAT EXISITS.

See http://www.hinduwebsite.com/hinduism/essays/mahavakyas2.asp

You could also try this:
Inner Being 20 minute meditation:
Free download from here:
http://www.quantumcreations.com.au/the-path-of-dzar/

Increasing your self-awareness is about living authentically and overcoming your fears. These fears include the ones we are consciously aware of like the fear of spiders for example, and some that we are not aware of, but these are the fears that cause us to react and feel a certain way about any given circumstance.
The circumstance may be a problem or it may be an opportunity, our underlying fears will determine which.

Increasing your self-awareness is a journey full of steps forward and regression. Searching for your identity is a process with no real destination. You’ll never be “done” because you’re always growing and changing.
Living authentically and finding your identity involves dealing with your past and forgiving others.

Noticing how we react to situations and the emotions that come up will help give you the key to what your underlying fears are. After the reaction, stop and look at the feelings and doubts that come up in your mind.

When you find yourself afraid, panicking and resisting whatever is going on.
When you find yourself willing and praying for a certain outcome, you will be face to face with your deep-rooted underlying fear, which in my experience boils down to “I am not good enough” for many of us.

To help you discover these underlying fears think of what the trigger was?

We all have some triggers that would fire off the process of negative emotions.
I have some trigger words that get me going, I am sure you do too. It is that word or that assumption that often *somebody else uses on you that sets you off – and often to an uncontrollable downward spiral where you are reacting and reacting.

Not realising that you are not reacting to just the current situation but you are reacting to the primary situation. The first time you experienced these feelings and associated them with these triggers.

*Tat Svam Asi
The second of Deepak’s Sutra Statements in the Synchrodestiny:

THROUGH THE MIRROR OF RELATIONSHIPS I DISCOVER MY NONLOCAL SELF
I SEE OTHERS IN MYSELF AND MYSELF IN OTHERS.

So it is only in relationships that we get to see ourselves truly and how we react and behave, eventually through this “relating” we get to peel the layers and discover our real selves.

So, what to do?
The next time someone you are in any kind of relationship with pushes one of these buttons that triggers a negative emotion, stop, breathe and wait. Take time to respond rather than react automatically.

When that trigger is fired, ask yourself, what behavior do you want to do instead?

This can only be answered when we know who we are and who we want to be. Then ask yourself, if I have already been through my journey and have already discovered this self, this beautiful self, how would he/she react in this situation? What outcome do I want here?
What am I committed to creating here?
To fulfill and give more supporting evidence to my old negative beliefs?
Let this be another time I get to prove that –

“All women are users”
“All men are bustards”
“There are no free rides”
“People are always out to get me”

Or….. do you want to create an outcome where you get to break the old patterns and reaffirm how you can live the life you desire and that you deserve to be happy?

When we react based on our commitments (underlying or conscious),
We will create an outcome.
The key is to react based on the desired outcome rather than the limiting negative old belief.
Practice makes perfect.

Whenever we learn a new response to a predictable old pattern, we have to practice doing it deliberately. The difference is, when you do it on purpose, you can accelerate the learning. Otherwise, you are left to the slow learning that comes from repeating undesired behaviors over and over.

In the movie Yes Man, Jim Carrey’s character Carl starts out as an extreme example of someone who has an Underlying Automatic Commitment (UAC) to “No”. No matter what opportunities come his way, no matter what someone may offer him or ask of him, Carl is pre-programmed and ready with an excuse as to why he can’t do it. Later in the movie, he is hypnotized into saying “Yes” to everything.

In the end, Carl finally learns how to say “Yes” or “No” authentically and with equal conviction, based on what he truly wants rather than an old negative belief that rendered him a prisoner of his own pre-programming.

The old habit of living in the Underlying commitment only serves to give us a way to automatically come up with excuses and it prevents us from fully living and experiencing life itself. While when we start to create a new habit of responding to the situations based on our truths, not the bullshit we made up as we were growing up, we are present, aware, receptive, vulnerable and open to the uncertainty of the very next moment in time, being authentically who we are.

Aham Brahmasmi.
Malti Bhojwani

3 Ways to Relate Lovingly with Your Partner

July 4, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  No Comments

Relationship “A Verb not a Noun” 3 ways to relate with your partner lovingly everyday. Look at your relationship as a verb not a noun. It is something that you are doing everyday rather than a ship you are sailing on.

 

You are in a relationship for as log as you are relating with this person. And if you are doing so lovingly then you are in a good relationship! Whose responsibility is a relationship? Is it 50-50? 80-20? In my opinion, each partner has to give 100% in order for a relationship to work. 1. “Want to” Vs “Have to” Relationships are “created” and do not exist until two people unite in a common purpose. The only purpose that can work is “to commit to relating with each other in a loving and positive way.” You make a choice to continue to relate with another person so that each of you can meet your life goals and attain personal growth. If you have children, then creating a loving environment would be one of the common purposes.

 

When you know that you want to be with this person more than you want anything else in the world, then everything you do for each other and to keep your life together harmonious will come from desire and a true “want” instead of a compulsion or a “have-to”. You will not have anything to complain about. 2. Respond Vs React Learning to respond with your “goal” in mind rather than reacting angrily or defensively to each other is essential. The said “goal” is “to relate with this person lovingly everyday”. So the next time your partner pushes your buttons or says something that almost invokes an impulsive reaction, wait and think about that goal.

(Look out for my next article on “Buttons by Professional Life Coach Malti Bhojwani)

“A reaction is automatic, not thought through consequentially, whereas a response is chosen. Between an action and its reaction there is a space, and in that space is the opportunity to choose. Responding is using that space to make that choice and to do or say what will get you closer to your goal” Choosing to respond in a sensitive manner to the feelings of your partner is a priceless habit to form in order to have a loving relationship. Selfish vs. Selfless All this is different from letting your partner walk all over you.

No one wants to be a doormat, or be involved in a relationship with a pushover. So it is your responsibility to take care of “Number 1” – you. Being selfish simply means taking responsibility for yourself, which is far more commendable than being a victim and blaming others and your circumstances for your situation. When you are selfish in this way, only then can the people around you be happy too. Sometimes, you may realize that in fact, “giving” your partner what they want instead of being stubborn about what you want, will often in fact make YOU happy. There is a delicate balance between giving freely and thinking of our own needs. This is the trickiest relationship skill to master, but perhaps the most rewarding. – Malti Bhojwani Life Coach

 

Why do smart, successful women tolerate abuse? As featured in the Times of India

July 1, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  No Comments

 

, TNN | Jul 1, 2013, 12.00 AM IST

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/life-style/relationships/man-woman/Why-do-smart-successful-women-tolerate-abuse/articleshow/20843540.cms

1st person account 
“The mind becomes weak, I couldn’t walk out!” 

“It took me 23 years to walk out from an abusive marriage. I have suffered every day of my life, emotionally and physically, but I didn’t have the confidence or the self-esteem to walk out. I felt isolated. Most abusers have a pattern. They isolate you and then begin the abuse, when you feel totally disarmed. In my case, my husband would always say terrible things about my friendsand family. So, I was even cut off from my parents. I didn’t have anyone to rely on. I used to wonder, even after continuous abuse, how I can live without this man because no matter how successful women may be, they question their capability if their man criticises them continuously. They never have the confidence to walk out. The mind becomes weak. Even though women may appear to be super successful to the outside world, they are helpless to act in such situations.” — Jaya Khanna, victim of domestic abuse

She is known as the domestic goddess with an estimated worth of £23 million. But the picture of TV cook and author Nigella Lawson’s (53) distraught face as her husband, art collector and advertising guruCharles Saatchi (70), held her by her throat during an argument a fortnight ago would leave you with an awful, but familiar, pit in the stomach. Too many women — no matter how smart, educated, powerful or emancipated — tolerate abusive relationships for far too long. But why? We ask experts, who deal with abusive relationships in their chosen fields of work, to tell us about the reasons given by most women…

“Good or bad, most women allow relationships to define them” 

“Good or bad, most women allow relationships to define them. A lot of women are scared of being alone. Some even get their sense of worth from being in a relationship and being viewed by society as so-and-so’s partner/wife/girlfriend. Outwardly, women may appear to be confident and smart, but inside, they only get their confidence and sense of value from being in a relationship. That’s why they find it hard to let go of a relationship even if it’s abusive.” — Gopika Kapoor, author

“Women don’t want to let go of the security the man provides” 

“A woman in an abusive relationship will never admit to the world that she’s under emotional or physical duress at home and that her success hasn’t really empowered her. She does not want to tell the world that her man treats her badly. She likes the security of a husband because we live in a world where the image of a married woman, no matter how battered, is better than a single woman!” — Rekha Aggarwal, High Court lawyer

“Sometimes, women confuse violence for love” 

“Nigella Lawson is the domestic goddess. She has a lot of brands riding on her, and one reason for not walking out could be that her £23 million empire is based on this image — the woman who has everything! A rich husband, a wonderful career, a fabulous face… and now even a slimmer figure. But there could be something deeper. Apparently, she had an abusive mother, who used to threaten to beat her till she cried when she was a child. Nigella now says she learnt not to cry. So whilst there are no economic reasons for someone like her to remain in an abusive relationship, sometimes women do get caught up — for all kinds of psychological reasons — in a violent relationship. They confuse violence and abuse for love, especially, if there was a childhood history of violence. And many women, even those who are rich and famous all over the world, may have faced some kind of violence in their life, sadly.” — Kishwar Desai, author

“Fear of uncertainty keeps women from walking out” 

“In a bad relationship, there is loss of self-worth. Women need to live and rotate on their own axis, but they don’t. When one revolves her life, and bases her happiness solely on one man, she loses herself. Women tend to become dependent on the man to make them feel good. So, anything he says and does has an impact on them. Even in an abusive relationship, women lose the concept of reality. Any small act of kindness from this man is all they live for. They are willing victims of abuse because they prefer any attention from him than none. The fear of losing him is worse than death. Anyone who stays in an unhealthy, abusive relationship needs medical help because it is clearly not love. You can only love another person when you love yourself. And a person who loves herself would protect her life and safety first. This dependency is an unhealthy obsession. There is also the fear of uncertainty for the future which keeps women from walking out of bad relationships.” — Malti Bhojwani, life coach

“Most victims feel disempowered to walk out” 

“I think physical abuse does not exist in isolation, it comes with emotional and psychological abuse as well. Most women in such situations suffer not only from physical scars but a depleted sense of self-esteem. They feel disempowered. When someone is in that frame of mind, it is very difficult for them to extract themselves from the situation.” — Advaita Kala, author

“Women who find themselves weak have had dominating fathers” 

“Helplessness to act against abuse has its roots in childhood conditioning. If someone chooses to stay in a violent relationship, it shows that her defence mechanism is weak. As a child, these women probably never rebelled or spoke their minds. Now, they see their father’s image in their partner and don’t want to rebel. Women, who find themselves weak, almost always have had dominating fathers. And the best part is that most of them don’t even realise that they had one controlling parent, if not both. So they let their partner dominate them, unknowingly, right from the beginning of the relationship. Another reason is the fear of losing their sense of security. That fear is much higher than the pain of abuse. This makes them suffer just how an addict suffers. An addict fears the dreadful condition much more than the probability of his death because of the drug or alcohol abuse. But the most important reason is the innate fear of abandonment in a woman. Today’s educated woman has made herself powerful enough to deal with this fear, but somehow, it still prevails in the subconscious mind.” — Kamal Khurana, marriage counsellor

“A woman will go to any extreme to preserve a relationship, however abusive” 

“The internalisation of patriarchal violence for centuries — where women have been told they were responsible for men hitting them — is the reason why most of us still find excuses to condone it. ‘He was stressed, I should have understood better’, ‘He has not seen a better role model, I should give him time’, ‘This is the last time’… there are reasons galore why women think they are far better off with these men rather than leaving them. Another major reason is that women equate the end of a relationship with a failed life. So they will go to any extreme to preserve it. For a few, it is that misguided sense of destiny. We are a country of so many cultures and yet one thing that strings us together is that we all feel that the sole proof of ‘having a life’ is either being in a relationship or being married!” — Raksha Bharadia, author

Privacy Vs Secrecy in an Intimate Relationship iDiva – Times Of India

June 24, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  No Comments

As featured in the Times of India – iDiva :

Click here to read it:

http://idiva.com/opinion-relationships/privacy-vs-secrecy-in-an-intimate-relationship/22549

1st July 2013

Life Coach Malti Bhojwani on Privacy, Secrecy & Trust in Intimate Relationships.

 

snooping

 

Two wrongs do not make a right.  Many years ago, in a relationship that soon went diving south, my ex boyfriend confronted me about discussing the problems in our relationship with my best girlfriend! How did he know this? He snooped through my text messages on my phone.

Indignant about what he had done and the betrayal of trust, I lost control and the ability to see eye to eye with him. All while he manipulated the situation to still making me “wrong” for confiding in my best friend in the first place. ?@%&&#^!$!!!

Are you as flabbergasted as I was?

1st up: girlfriends always discuss their relationships and we do discuss things that boyfriends or husbands should never know about! My litmus test now is to check how much I need to complain to my girlfriends about the relationship I am in. If I am complaining too much, then it means I am unable to trust him with the truth and that is not a good thing.

2ndly: In the olden days, people kept private diaries and it was never OK to snoop into anyone’s diary. Today, email and text messages may not be seen as private as a diary. But, the same rules of privacy apply.

3rdly: Digging leads to finding a lot of crap you were better off without! By digging, I am referring to both probing with interrogative questions directly and snooping behind the persons’ back. 

Seek and ye shall find, curiosity killed the cat!

Snooping is playing with fire, so don’t do it if you don’t want to get burnt! The danger of snooping in the present is that often, some conversations are from people processing their own feelings. We don’t blurt out every thought as we think them, so this privacy should be treated with respect as well – some things are simply NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! If it is the past that you are snooping into, read on….more on this in the later paragraphs.

Honestly, can you safely say that every conversation you have with your family or best friend will not hurt or upset your partner, if they happened to be eavesdropping or if they stumbled upon it?

How would it feel if you felt you could not be 100% honest with anyone, just in case the wrong eyes or ears may be watching?

Past Future Present

No this is not an English lesson. Your past is history, and your future is a mystery. But work on your present, and make it this relationship the best. The best of relationships are based on trust in every sense of the word. It is not just the kind of trust that upkeeps fidelity, but also the trust that your partner is strong enough and discerning enough to decide what they share with you, what they withhold and what kind of help or support they need from you. If you trust them then you should not cross those lines no matter what.

We have many reasons for not wanting to reveal all of our experiences, thoughts, fears, plans to a partner. You shouldn’t have to defend not revealing embarrassing or hurtful moments from your past, it is really and truly none of their business!

Why are you tempted to snoop?

How much about this curiosity is about you? How do you feel about yourself? The need to spy can be a sign of insecurity. Perhaps you feel you are not good enough for your partner compared to their exes and that they may leave you in time. Remember that in adult relationships, if you are together it is because you are all they want. Your partner is with you in spite of his or her past because they CHOOSE to be with you. In fact, don’t feel bad about their or your own past lovers once you’ve settled down with someone you truly love – you’re with this special person today because of the coincidences and relationships you’ve experienced before.

Ask:

If you are tempted to snoop because of his or her current behaviour and you are suspicious then ask them honestly instead. Be careful not to jump to accusations and speak from where you are, using “I” – “I feel as if you’re secretive. I notice you leave the room to talk on the phone. I feel like you’re working late a lot.”  (Advice derived from Dr. Terri Orbuch – (research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, psychologist, and Oakland University professor.)

Keep the Past Where it Belongs!

If you are curious about their past then ask yourself how important this information really is to you. If you feel that you won’t be negatively affected with whatever is revealed, then why ask? If you think it could be a turn on, then you are playing with fire and unless this is a relationship you are willing to risk for the sake of this experiment then I strongly suggest you stop it right there!

It is natural to be curious, but it will bring up all sorts of issues if they discuss parts of their past that they are uncomfortable to talk about with you, and no one should have to. Leave it up to them if they are comfortable with it and if not then it’s not necessary. In return, don’t probe, what you need to know will come out in time, through general conversation. If you don’t like being interrogated, try not to do it to others. If your partner is probing into your past too much and you can’t see a satisfying ending by exploring it, seal the doors of your past and throw the keys.

Draw Your Lines

Don’t confuse intimacy with ownership. You can be very close to your partner but your privacy is precious, and it’s your right to choose the limits of your privacy. If you are with someone who does not understand how to respect your boundaries, don’t attack them, but rather be understanding as well and educate them. You may not have drawn your lines clearly enough. An ex colleague walked into my office once and she could see my passport sticking out of my handbag and without asking me, she reached for it to see my passport photo. I took deep offence but later realise that she didn’t have the same reservations about privacy and personal space. She was just being cute and I was very harsh on her. Sometimes, we need to take responsibility and communicate where our lines are. Just be firm and make it clear to them that you have limits.

A relationship is made up of two parts: each individual and their life together. If either of these components gets lost, you no longer have a relationship.

Love between two people is having a passionate interest in each other’s lives and thoughts, and yet respecting each other’s mystery. We will never know our partners completely, and that’s the way it should be. The past is just that “the past” and nobody has the right to pry into it or force their partner to tell them everything that happened. When there’s talk about past relationships, there’s always bound to be comparisons. Don’t get into the “comparison game”. It can drive you and your partner crazy.

Give your partner some breathing space. There are some things that should remain hidden and unknown after all. I’m sure your relationship will not be different if you leave some things like that. Don’t let envy and jealousy ruin a beautiful relationship.

The past is the past. Nothing can change that. All you can do now is accept it and it is easier to accept what you don’t know! The past to them would be old irrelevant snippets from their past but making them rehash it just to satisfy your curiosity is bringing buried stuff to the forefront that your partner has deliberately left in the past. Sometimes we have to burn the bridges behind to make the present successful.

“And stand together, yet not too near together. For the pillars of the temple stand apart.” Kahlil Gibran

LET’S TALK ABOUT LOVE

June 24, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  No Comments

“The Greatest Love of All” is a song written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed and originally recorded by George Benson for the 1977 Mohammad Ali movie ‘The Greatest’ then popularized by the late Whitney Houston (God Bless her soul – I loved her so much) said, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all”.

It is about altering the way you see and the actions you take. It is about finding your own axis and rotating around that instead of around someone else. It saddens me how successful, beautiful people can throw it all away over a man.

In my book “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball” I touched on this axis, “When you can find your own axis, you can revolve around it, for when you revolve your life on someone outside of you, you lose your own alignment. Just as the earth revolves around its own axis daily and through this eternal gentle revolving it also revolves around the sun, if you don’t find your own axis and you don’t gently revolve, you cannot be for anyone.

Then, once you have centered on your axis and someone else who has also centered on theirs is brought into your world, the two of you can come together and there is a collision of axes and you shift from your center. This is the sensation of ‘falling in love’.

If, after the initial combustion, you can realign so that you can revolve on your own axis and simultaneously rotate with the other body, then you may have found a true and balanced way of relating; thus, a healthy relationship. You maintain and grow your individuality as you serve the world as well and live your own purpose whilst simultaneously relating lovingly with another.”

“Learning to love yourself is the Greatest Love of All” I know you have heard this so many times, but do you really get it? What does self-love mean? It is learning to get to know yourself like you would a new lover. Finding out again what your favorite colors, music, and food is. What is most important to you? What you truly desire in this lifetime. What you want your eulogy to say, what your principles and values are what emotions you want to experience more of in your life as you pursue your desires.

Choose YOU, again and again. What you won’t stand for, what you won’t tolerate, what your God-given talents are and how you can improve them and share them. Loving yourself truly, madly, deeply and stretching your comfort zone to truly extract and savor all the good stuff you want from life while at the same time giving the world more and more of the best you, is the ONLY way you will attract love beyond imagination into your own life.

If you are already in a relationship, give your partner the gift of listening. Listen to them, not just with your ears, but with your whole body, feel them, look them in the eye, re-establish trust and intimacy and listen to them. Trust that you can communicate with them without FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real.

Don’t be scared of losing them, you won’t if they love you the same way and if they don’t love you, then this isn’t it yet. Two independent self-loving individuals are strong enough to accept each other and have big enough hearts to forgive each other when they hurt each other.

The most important thing a woman can do, is to work on herself and get her physical, emotional and financial life into great shape…in other words become the quality woman who is sought out by the kind of man she wishes to be with in the first place. When her inner world is full of happiness & joy and she is independent, secure & stable…it shines through and creates magnetism around her that everyone (not just men she’s interested in) can feel.

When she loses the need (and nothing kills attraction faster than neediness) to be with someone she is more likely to find someone who wishes to be with her. Basically she becomes the kind of woman with high self-esteem and high character who DOES NOT need a man to fill any hole inside of her.

Quality men look for quality women and the best way to attract the kind of man she wants is to become the kind of woman he’d like to be with. A popular misconception about men is that they are only concerned about a woman’s appearance and are only interested in sex. While this may hold true for the general populace, the ones we regard as “Quality” men would much rather spend time with, be with and date an average looking woman with a great character and a more fulfilling personality than a hot, dysfunctional drama queen!

I attracted the love of my life when I truly finally fell in love madly with myself. I discovered my true calling, gems and purpose and pursued them with blinkers on. I stopped making decisions about men or possibilities of meeting a nice guy. I put my career and purpose above all that. I know you have heard this before and that you are wishing I have some fresh news for you, I really get it. I have been there, the incessant checking of my phone to see if a guy I had hopes of would text me or want to see me again. I’d chase them covertly, looking for excuses to contact them and trying to act all nonchalant about it; I’d change my profile pictures or go to events just to attract attention. And I did this nonsense with guys that I wasn’t even sure I really liked, just to get their attention and see that they liked me!

It saddens me the number of women out there who spent their life just looking for a man, waiting to be loved, waiting for somebody to come into their life and sweep them off their feet. And then they do everything in their power to make it happen. They put lots of efforts into everything to attract that man to take away the loneliness. And when they meet some nice guys, because they are so desperate for this one to be the one, you know, maybe they are not desperate, but they are tired. I don’t know if you have been there, when you are just exhausted, you are like you know can’t this just be, can’t he be the one and then this can be over so that we can live happily there after.

And so, because of that tiredness and desperation, you put all the previous drama into this one guy, this one sweet person who you just met just to get him to do what you want him to do. You become so transparently needy and yet when friends point it out to you, you deny it because you think you have covered it up well under the layers of makeup!

You want him to call you, you want to act in such a way you want to know that he cares, you want to know that he is as attracted to you as you are to him. But you know in most cases you are not even sure if you like him, you just wanted him to like you.

And where I am getting at is that you cannot build your life around looking for a man or around being attractive or finding that man. The only way to attract a good solid relationship that is not co-independent that is not needy is when you are actually falling in love with yourself again and you actually living a life that is committed to your goals, your dreams and your desires. And along the way, along the way, yes you may attract love into your life – if you are lucky. Yes it’s a lucky few who attract that kind of love.

I implore you to live a life that is about you and not about a man. Even when you find a man you love him, yes love him, love him with all your heart but don’t stop living your life. Don’t let your life revolve around whether he called or he did not. Whether he cares about you, whether he is attracted to you or not, no you love him.

You give him what you want to give him but simultaneously you pursue your life, your life is more than about a man. Your life is about you, your likes and dislike, the things that you enjoy, people who are dependent on you, who love you, who need your time and want your time. Your work, your colleagues, your taste, what do you enjoy,. Live for you, there will be no room for loneliness. Focus on you. Be an empowered woman and then watch how men will then fall at your feet.

Above is an excerpt from my latest E-Book – YoUniverse – Start Living The Life of Your Dreams – only available online from my facebook page.
https://www.facebook.com/MaltiBhojwaniProfessionalLifeCoach

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7 Recovery Steps to heal from breakup and be truly happy

May 31, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  No Comments

We have all had relationships in our past that didn’t work. Then there is the one that got away, but shouldn’t have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love yet just would not work. You felt like the Universe conspired to bring the two of you together against all odds and all the signs were positive and pointed in the direction of the two of you being together. How do you let go of a relationship like this?
When your partner in that relationship was at his or her best, he or she met all of your needs. He or she was the perfect fit for you. If he or she could have been that way with you 100% of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would be in the relationship still. The times he or she was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.

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Are you intimate with your partner?

May 31, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  5 Comments

Intimacy = Into-me-you-see

When you are able to share of yourself with no fear of judgement or disapproval and need for approval, this is intimacy. When you feel open and welcome to touch your partner whenever you want to, that is intimacy and when you share an implicit trust that you can not only believe them but also depend on them, then you are intimate. Sharing means to share of body, emotion and language. You are not ashamed of the way you look naked and you are not afraid of the words you may utter when you are willing to share things.

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How to control mood swings?

May 31, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  1 Comment

We all have times when we are just not in a good mood. When we truly feel awful and hopeless. This is when, no matter how many self-help books or authors you follow, or personal development trainings you attend or how much spirituality you try to re-instill, you just feel like nothing is great.

How to overcome the fear of failure or making mistakes?

May 31, 2013  |  Uncategorized  |  4 Comments

There are no failures in life, only results and lessons learnt. The way you look at it makes all the difference in being able to move forward courageously or being stuck where you are. When you change your view of life to be bigger and wider, you will realise that no incident is a failure, as they were just experiences that have weaved the path to bringing you where you are now, which from where I see it, it isn’t too bad at all. You’ve got the time and eyesight to sit back and read this article, don’t you?

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