How posture affects your looks
When you have good posture, you walk with more ease and grace. Think of all the beautiful divas you see on the red carpet and the silver screen, boasting long lean necklines, head held straight, shoulders square, not shrugging up or slumped down.
Tummy tucked in, back slightly arched, this automatically gives you a tummy tuck, boob-job and leaner waist. Instantly you will feel and project an air of confidence and of being alert.
Just by standing or sitting up straight, you change your physiology to one of instant confidence. It is impossible to feel low or sad, when you are upright and smiling. Try it now. How did you feel? You can do this in front of a mirror for added value. You will portray confidence and enthusiasm that is very very attractive. Slouch, slump and frown and see how you look – disheartened, bored, tired, old and fat. Try this, breathe, hold your head up straight, tuck your tummy in and smile. Notice the difference? When you stretch and lengthen your back this way, you instantly look leaner as well.
Bad posture is just a bad habit
Some women have bad posture because they are shy about the size of their breasts, in this day and age when women are flying halfway across the world and spending thousands of dollars to go under the knife to get breast enhancements or at least buying the most maximiser push up bras they can find, it is time for you to stand tall and proud.
Most people who think they have a fat tummy are just not standing or sitting right. Commit to having a good posture by visualizing yourself standing tall, shoulder blades back, tummy tucked in and head up straight. I am a short woman at barely 5’1″ and improving my posture with my mum’s help when I was younger and Pilates now, I feel taller than I am.
Bad posture is just a bad habit and in life coaching, I say that you cannot break a habit, you have to replace it. So pick an exercise that you will be willing to commit to. It could be Pilates or even the Alexander Technique, a famous regime that can help strengthen core muscles and re-align the spine. Commit an hour a day to exercise. Practice. Constantly remind yourself to to stand up tall and pull your tummy into your spine and actually visualize it. See yourself always standing or sitting in good posture. It is not something you turn on and off when you know someone is watching; you have to practice it all the time.
Looking good is not just about your face
Your body carries your head. A beautiful body is not just about weight, it is about how you hold it and how it holds your head up. Your posture shows the world how you are feeling and your abilities.
Research was done years ago at the University of Louisville, where 60 people were asked to rate the appearance of two women in a series of pictures – in some they were slumping, in others they were standing up straight…. Consistently, viewers rated the women who were standing up straight to be younger and more attractive,” Some heavier ones were also perceived to be thinner just from the way they were standing in the pictures.
It is simple physics and optical illusions, when you scrunch, you make yourself look shorter and wider, and when you are straight and erect, you automatically look taller and thinner. A good posture helps you to radiate a sense of confidence.
In case you missed part 1 of her series, read that first before you proceed to the rest of Malti’s tried-and-tested tips on how to motivate yourself.
Getting Uncomfortable to Get Ahead
We all have excuses and reasons to feel “out of it” some days. We are affected by our moods, the weather, the tide, the moon’s phases, planet alignments, what we ate or drank that day, whether we heard from the girl we’re infatuated with, our weight, the stock market, the traffic or even a pimple! Everything affects our mood, but it is important to stay focused on what we want.
All in all, it is normal to feel a little low and out of it sometimes. It’s just means it’s time to shake things up a bit. When you are feeling bored and complacent, you need to do that little bit more and get uncomfortable. Changing your surroundings or the way you do things is a great way to stimulate your mind to come up with more ideas. It’s like a muscle that needs to work a little harder; you just need to kick it into gear so it can starting firing the neurotransmitters that stimulate creativity.
Drive a different route to work, wear your watch on the other hand, or even try eating or texting with your other hand. Make efforts to meet different people, approach the ones that make you uncomfortable, or strike up a conversation with a colleague that you have never spoken to. New conversations and new paths give you the opportunity to turn off your own mental chatter, which thrives when things are “normal.” This will force you to relate, see and think differently.
Comfort is Your Enemy
When you are too comfortable, you have probably already achieved many of your desires and goals, and you are so used to doing the same thing week in and week out that there is no motivation to deviate from the routine. At work, when you are only doing what comes naturally and what is expected of you in order to “get-by,” you are not stretching yourself and definitely not growing.I see “discomfort” as an opportunity.
Often when I feel a little uncomfortable or lazy to do something that rationally I know could be good for me, I know that I need to stretch myself. We only grow when we break out of our comfort zones. Just like at the gym, you know that only when an exercise is a little hard to do that you are actually working the muscle.
Another example is going for a run even when it’s drizzling or overcast. This means that your commitment to staying fit and healthy is much stronger than your need to stay comfortable and dry at home. You are not letting excuses run your life!
What You Resist the Most is Often the Best Thing for You
If it’s too easy to do and you are too comfortable, you are still only staying within your comfort zone. This is a sure sign that you are not stretching yourself and therefore, not growing. On the other hand, if you find that you come up against some resistance to do something everyday (within reasonable limits, of course), then that’s exactly the thing you ought to be doing.
For example, I often dread getting dressed up and going out on weeknights for networking evenings. But I know that they will enhance my work life, not to mention I might meet interesting people. In fact, every time I have ended up at an event that I previously resisted going to, I have met at least one person who has enriched my life either through the conversation we’ve had or the work they do. My point is, what I resist most is what I need to do in order to not be complacent.
So get uncomfortable and stretch yourself!
Note: We all have different pain and comfort thresholds. Pay attention to your instincts. If something feels wrong, too hard and too painful, check to see if maybe it is wrong, dangerous or unwise for you to do it.
It’s important to educate yourself before being successful at anything. There are two types of motivation: ‘towards’ and ‘away from’. The former involves motivating oneself to move towards a desirable place, while the latter involves situations where one is desperate to distance oneself from, or get ‘away from’ an undesirable place. For example, trying to work towards a promotion would be ‘towards’, and attempting to quit smoking or lose weight would be ‘away from’ motivation.
Both these techniques work, but ‘towards’ motivation lasts longer and is empowering as you are focusing on what you want rather than what you don’t want.
Step One: Declare Your Wants
Envison this. I ask you not to think of a blue ball, yet the first image that pops into your mind is one of a blue ball! It’s basically impossible to avoid thinking about something without thinking of it first. Therefore, you should realize that your thoughts will always work towards bringing what you think about the most into your reality–even if you are thinking about not wanting that particular thing or state of being.
And so we come to the first step: always declare what you want. This is usually simple, because it is most often the exact opposite of what you don’t want.
Why This Works
For ‘towards’ motivation to work, you have to be able to see and monitor your progress. If you feel like you are working very hard and running very fast, but it still looks like everything around you is the same, you will feel a bit like a hamster running in a wheel, only to come out and see that it hasn’t moved at all. This can be extremely demotivating.
So what can you do to access your progress?
Step Two: Track Your Progress
-Pick three things that you want to achieve in the next three months. Break these into small tasks that can be achieved on a daily basis and will ensure that you reach your ultimate goal. For example, if you want to increase your client base from 20 to 30 in three months, you need to add about 3 every month. Break that down to include some strategies that you have used in the past that have clearly worked and can be done daily.
-Set up a timetable and a daily checklist. Work through it and tick the checklist when you have completed each task. The idea is to form a daily routine that will keep you on track to getting where you want to be.
Why This Works
What you are doing here is making your progress measurable. This will surely boost your confidence, which in turn will motivate you as you will see yourself getting closer to your goals.
It’s Not Easy
In conclusion, I would like to make it clear that all of the steps above are easier said than done, yet entirely possible.
“I started learning to swim recently and my instructor made me wear flippers. They were great, because they helped me move really fast. When he finally got me to swim without them, I felt so incompetent–like I was not moving at all–that this disheartened me. I needed to SEE that I was indeed moving. So he got me to look at my reflection in the window and reminded me to turn around and look back to see how far I had indeed traveled.”
Getting and staying motivated to always keep growing, learning, and evolving is easy as soon as you have your desires clear in front of you.
When you know what you want out of your life, what experiences you want to taste, what you want to do for the people around you, and what you want to enjoy yourself, you will be able to dangle that carrot in front of yourself and keep the ‘towards’ motivation activated.
Seeing progress, however small at first–from ticking the checkboxes to seeing the weight go down on the scales–is visual evidence that you are indeed making headway. Plus, you’ll enjoy the small benefits of completing all these little tasks–and they do all add up!
If you find it challenging to do this yourself, declare your desires to a friend, or better yet, a coach. Then have them hold you accountable to do the things you need to every single day in order to ultimately have what you want. Follow these simple steps and you’ll be on your way to achieving everything you’ve ever dreamed of!
Yes they are sins when viewed independently and the path to spiritual enlightenment would require that we shed ourselves of all sins and embody the polar opposite of the sin.
So what are they? Traditionally, they are:
Vanity (Pride), Greed (Selfishness), Gluttony, Envy, Lust, Sloth (Laziness), Wrath (Anger)
In my opinion 2 of these sins are actually great to have as long as they are in moderation and directed to the betterment of our lives. Like Greed & Vanity – both will drive you towards being the best that you can be. The key word though is moderation.
Greed – Many cultures and religions have taught us that it is selfish or greedy to have desires. We have been conditioned to think that wanting too much for ourselves is wrong. The paradox is that without desire, we cannot be successful. When we are striving for desires that will give us what we want and enrich the lives of the people around us directly or indirectly, the Universe works with us to manifest it.
As there are varying degrees of selfishness and greed not all are bad or evil. In some ways being selfish is taking responsibility for your ‘self’ and your life. Taking ownership of yourself and creating the life you desire is ultimately more satisfying than seeing yourself as a victim to circumstance and powerlessly blaming others for the state of your life which would be another sin – sloth.
As a life coach, when working towards a client’s goals, often their resistance to action is caused by a personal obstacle, which boils down to a deadly sin. When it is holding you back from getting the results you want in your life, then you have to find ways to manage these sins. Often they are just bad automatic habits. Once you are aware of what you really want, then you can identify the sin and manage it in order to get closer to your desires.
Vanity x Humility – this one is true to me, mine is Vanity. I am actually a glutton, being obese when I was growing up, then luckily for me Vanity stepped in and I managed to shed the kilos and now keep them off despite my absolute love for food and wine. I realized that if it weren’t for my “Vanity” I would be a gluttonous sloth! I don’t eat out of hunger, I could eat all day if I were not Vain.
Vanity and Pride can also be viewed as “self-love” without which we can’t love another. Taking pride in ourselves and having some vanity is empowering.
Conquer Greed by being more generous and giving of our possessions and ideas.
Envy – by being appreciative of what others have rather than angry or jealous that they have it. In fact the Law of Attraction states that if you are envious of what others have, by placing that negative emotion on that person or thing, you will block it’s path towards you. So the more you appreciate what others have and less envious you are, you will attract more abundance into your own life! Some people go around annoyed when others even have what they have, “How can he afford a Benz?”. “When did she start buying Laboutins?” This is only re-enforcing your own “lack” mentality which is the direct oppostite of an “abundance mentality”. In order to attract more of what you want into your life, you have to trust that there is plenty of the good stuff out there for all of us, and some. And truly appreciating it when others have what you don’t have, will bring you closer to having some yourself.
Wrath/Anger – well all this does is gets you to react in a way that is not aligned with what you want to create in your life and relationships. Kindness and patience would be the attributes to practice. This one is a big bad sin and can really cause many obstacles in your achieving the life of your dreams. Anger is usually a way for many of us to express the underlying sadness or pain. Our needs are not being met and so we get angry. Take the time to get to the bottom of it and learn to communicate out of vulnerability and love. With your anger you can destroy a lot of work and damage many relationships not to mention hurt people that you care about or want to work with. The coaching tool used here is called “Respond vs. react”. Between the event that causes the automatic “anger”, wait and breathe, in that space create the opportunity to choose a response that will bring you loser to what you really want to achieve, then carefully choose a response. Responses are chosen, reactions are automatic and can sometimes be detrimental! Vanity and Greed can save you from this one.
Greed or desire to have good things in life, and vanity and pride to look good will save you from burning bridges and getting violent.
Lust & Gluttony would be best managed with self-control and being discerning. Think of the long-term pleasure you seeking rather than the “quick fix” same for Gluttony. What do you really want, like really really want, often Lust and Gluttony are just a way for “instant gratification” when what you truly desire is something else bigger and more satisfying. When youa say you are looking to attract and build a lasting and satisfying relationship, indulging in mindless sex could be what is keeping love elusive to you. As they say, “Those who indulge, bulge” In my case, my Vanity, “to look my best” is what keeps me from indulging too much in the finer things in life like cheese!
Sloth – This is laziness, to me this is the worst sin, because it keeps you from contributing to yourself, and to the world and it is the mindset that someone else is there to pickup after me or to carry my weight. Fight this one with enthusiasm and energy. I find the more energy I use, the more I have.
What’s your sin?
Life Coach & Founder
Multi Coaching International
They say, God is in the details. But its for us to recognize, enjoy and be grateful for these smaller (and quite often substantial) details that make our lives so wonderful. Malti’s journal helped me see and appreciate the multiple joys that come my way everyday, ensuring that even when I’m down, there is always something that makes me happy and excited for the next day.
The more I write how grateful I am for my wonderful family, the more reasons I have to be grateful 🙂
Writing in the gratitude journal raises my vibration. It keeps me in a space of abundance and thinking of expansion. Its makes me realize how fortunate I am for all that I have in my life.
Never realised that appreciating even the simplest things in life can bring so much joy, till I wrote them down daily in appreciation!
Writing in d gratitude journal is empowering coz when i focus on d abundance of good things in my life it grows. And of course there’s a huge shift in perspective and how we see our life.
I have been practicing journal of gratitude for almost 45 days and I have started appreciating lots of stuff in my life on regular basis which used to go unnoticed. I feel thankful to every good thing that happens to me which might be very small in nature. I feel I have started receiving more abundance. Sleeping after writing in the journal makes me have a sound and positive sleep. Before writing the journal,I was almost hitting the phase of depression, but when I started appreciating and thanking for things in my life, situations did change, I started enjoying things around and helping myself big time to live high and happy..I am a much more evolved, content, composed and happy guy. So yes this journal has definitely been one of things that was a major help in getting my life in control and moving towards enjoying in abundance. I also practiced writing in the journal early in the morning and it was phenomenal and brings in a separate energy all together to perform effectively during the day..
Being Grateful makes me realize the Value of the little things in life without taking anything for granted. It converts the smallest of things into huge joys of contentment and satisfaction. After all this is so true – “Oh contentment make me rich, for without thee there is no Wealth” ! Being Grateful, fills me up with more positives, so problems seem minuscule.
Every quote I read in the gratitude journal connects me to my inner being.
I read, reflect, ruminate & revel in the words
As I write I feel more connected to my thoughts & feelings for each written word. I feel vast & boundless:)
Join the facebook group:
and contribute your experiences.
I had been so busy, no time to be, to relax and to slow down. It has felt this way for a year now….since I moved into this flat in Mumbai….today I woke up with clarity to let it go. Working from home and for yourself and living alone can do that to you. I have been so committed and with wanting everything to happen yesterday, I have been working on my book, my virtual coach software with my partners in Canada and Singapore, finishing my Newfield Ontological training, coaching my current personal clients and developing and filming for my youtube channel along with writing articles for various publications and developing modules for corporates and education non-stop. I woke up and I slept constantly connected to my blackberry which never stopped because I communicate internationally, someone is always awake.
*be – lots about “being” in my upcoming book
I didn’t realise that I did not stop til yesterday when a friend called and til yesterday I was hardly accepting personal calls, except from parents, brothers and daughter and when he asked me how I was, and I said busy, he said, but you are always busy…..I worked and I went to the gym and that’s about it with the occasional weekend out, but then too very conscious about having to wake up early the next day….my computer on all day and my projects brewing all night…
It hit me….I was living a contradiction to what I declared I wanted to do. I guess it was exactly what I needed for the past year….finishing a 66,000++ word personal development book is a project that took its own life… and I spent the year establishing my practice internationally whilst settling into India. I also achieved my PCC (professional certified coach credentials) But this morning, I exhaled…. Phew….
I guess the exhilaration of finishing the book is slowly seeping into my body.
And today, after I decided what I am doing for now, I feel like I am on holiday, not something I have been OK to do guiltlessly….so here it is, my time to be on a bit of a holiday, (don’t worry, my dear clients and readers – my coaching and writing won’t stop… I am here for you and I am sure you will appreciate the “lightness” I will bring to our calls henceforth!)
Yesterday I received an email from Higher Awareness, this is one of the inspirational websites I subscribe to that always seem like they are talking to JUST me. Like they have been put on the Universe for me, have you ever felt that?
“One has to abandon altogether the search for security, and reach out to the risk of living with both arms.
— Morris L. West
The insight I got yesterday was that my attachment to earning money for a false sense of security that I would get from a home and material possessions was what was keeping me from flying. Literally!
What security was I chasing when I have been so blessed with wings and again I am on the crest and I am gonna jump and soar….and the friendships and connections that matter and are real are never dependent on time or space. Staying in one space and stagnating will only turn them into habits, obligations and neediness….some of my closest connections are with people the furthest away from me. Some of my
dearest friends, who live down the road, I hardly see, because they live down the road…..
Looking forward to spending a lot more time with you … (xx – you know who you are!!!)
Today, I woke up realizing that it is time to travel light again…
I had the epiphany and made some decisions… I’m going to be traveling for a few months off and on and also baby-sitting my dearest friend’s son for a week, …and I want to visit parents and my brother and his new dog “Destiny” Feels like Destiny is calling! All the work I am doing I can do from anywhere in the world as long as I have internet and a keyboard. (time to buy an iPad too I think)
And I guess the biggest sign came to me when after all the apartments I had seen were just not happening, then I saw one I liked, and the owner-dude declined my offer, because I’m a single woman in the city……I guess Sex And The City – Carrie kind of independence only exists in Manhattan!!! So instead of being disappointed or annoyed, I smiled and decided, I am going to vagabond again for a few months til I find inspiration…this time with ease and grace….gratefully. Funny how when a circumstance was put onto me, I complained about it and now choosing the same predicament, I am rejoicing it!!! 🙂
“Many people think that by hoarding money they are gaining safety for themselves. If money is your ONLY hope for independence, you will never have it. The only real security that a person can have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability. Without these qualities, money is practically useless.”
— Henry Ford
Talk about perspective……a year ago, I remember complaining that I had been vagabonding and living out of a suitcase (ok a few suitcases) and that I needed a home, a bed-side table to place my journal and pen and eye-cream,……of my own….and when speaking to my brother, he reminded me to be careful what I wished for because a “Global best-selling-international author and speaker lives out of a suitcase”
I have also been referred to as a Gypsy many years ago and I think I have always had the heart of a gypsy but then societal norms and the need for “false security” and maybe being an Eatery Taurean, I have always thought I needed a home and I have been ungrateful for so much that I have, because I didn’t have a space of my own.
Today I am at the same crossroad, having just finished the book and with travel plans all the way up til July at least, I don’t need a home again…. I am growing and changing and I need to be free again…I do see staying on now in Bandra in Mumbai and doing more of the same as “stagnating” Today a friend of mine told me he was happy for me that I had rediscovered my gypsy! 🙂
As I was typing this, my dearest and oldest friend Kiran called and I told her all and she laughed with me as she remembered me saying this back when I was in school over 25 years ago… that I wanted to live out of a suitcase. So she was so so happy for me and honestly said “WOW”! Wow that you can!!!
Once again, the world is my oyster.
Another dear friend of mine reminded me that a wise man once said..’travel light’ on a holiday and in life..:)
Yes I’ve done that before…..thought I was done…but guess not yet!
I envision LOTS of travel this year, especially with the launch of the book nationally for sure and internationally as well…..so I might as well be as light as I can.
Selling furniture ….making myself light! Feel like I rediscovered my Gypsy heart… 🙂 I’m feeling great, so it has to be right. Took me long enough to come to this space…of clarity..I had been plugging in and praying for clarity for a few weeks now. I was holding on to weight all kinds of weight! For no reason but a sense of security which I don’t need as I KNOW now that the only security is my sense of inner faith and knowing that I am always cradled and blessed….. I have wings… I fly…..Malti Bhojwani – resident of the world, citizen of the Universe…
I was at a leadership talk a while back and a famous Indian CEO said that leadership includes, telling and retelling people what they already know, so they know they are on the right track.
I was looking through my very old life coaching notes from 2000, and then notes from the late Thomas Leonard (one of the founders of life coaching as we know it) and then my newest notes from my training in Ontological coaching and they say very similar things, but I FELT that I was learning new stuff only because I had evolved and grown in the last decade myself.
The observer that I was had grown and so I see differently and hence feel and think differently availing me to act in newer ways creating new results!!!
Tony Robbins said, either we are growing or we are dying, T Harv Eker says the same thing Robert Cooper says, Every moment of our lives we are either growing or dying and back in the day, Seneca has many quotes on learning and growing.
The message is the same and almost repetitive to some of us, because you have heard it before and again and again, the scriptures contain it, old philosophers have claimed it and modern day motivational speakers and authors say it too. I was asked about the similar message in many books about the magic of gratitude, as in my Journal – Thankfulness, Appreciation, Gratitude. We are all tapping into the same Universal source. We are hearing the same messages from varied messengers as it is the truth. So write, express yourself, don’t be afraid that what you want to say is not new, guess what? Nothing really is. (Unless you are a scientist and then too, there would have been a spark of it back in history)
As I shared in my book, “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball” Napolean Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich has been around since 1937, it came to my awareness over a decade ago and it went over my head, it re-visited me about 4 years ago and again, I didn’t get it, but last year when I read it, it hit home.
The messenger is not important, the message is and we all have a different “observer” and hence a unique way of explaining what we understand to be the truth and how it works. Through the past few weeks, I have been so humbled and grateful that so many are embracing the truth through “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball” and what warms me up even more is that it has helped so many to see that we have to keep learning and growing, or we die.
Happy weekend and TAG someone today,
With Thankfulness, Appreciation and Gratitude,
Experiencing hot and cold in your relationship? Is it really still a relationship? Be honest with yourself. You are feeling uncomfortable in your stomach, you are just not feeling like the confident, independent woman you used to be, your instincts are telling you loud and clear, but you don’t want to listen.
Why? You invested time, emotion and hope into this. How can you just give up, maybe he needs time? Psychologically it is normal to delay and postpone the undesirable inevitable.
People treat you exactly the way you expect to be treated. If you give him permission to drop in and out of your life at his whims, guess what he will do? I was once with a bunch of guy friends, listening in like one of the boys as they were praising a particular famous beauty in the country, who never opened the car door for herself, and they said, that guys did it for her because she stood there, expecting them to. They were in awe of her, because of the respect she commanded. If you “over-perform”, you leave little room for the guy to perform at all.
I love men, please don’t read me wrong, however when a man treats you in a way that is demeaning, you have to remember your Goddess responsibilities which include holding up the respect of women kind, just like Wonder Woman did!
When a man treats you disrespectfully and they come back, make sure you make it challenging for them to redeem themselves. Don’t drop your plans just to accommodate him. Never cancel on your girlfriends or family just to see him and never agree to see him on the same day that he contacts you. When a man walks out of your life, have the sensibility to know that he knew exactly what he was doing, and maybe he didn’t care enough or maybe he thinks you will easily let him back into your beautiful world.
If you are nearly as old as me, you could conjure up a vision of the magical Amazonian island that Wonder Woman and the other beautiful powerful sisters lounged around scantily clad in bliss. Hang with your girlfriends and always look your best. Remember that you are woman, the fairer sex and men spend far more minutes in a day finding ways to get into our world. It is a privilege.
If you want to accept his explanations and apologies, be his friend, don’t allow it to go beyond friendship unless he works really hard for it. He needs to sense and know that you KNOW that you deserve to be treated like a princess or a Goddess even. Just like you would with a dog or a child you want to train, you can’t be rewarding them for doing something wrong, you will confuse them. Many women I have spoken to end up becoming even more “giving”, “caring”, generous and kind to the one who treated them badly. This is absolutely the wrong time to lay on your motherly, loving need to nurture. Find a child or dog to do that with, or a best friend.
When a man just blows you off, either he’s married/involved with someone else, genuinely liked you and enjoyed the thrill or romance of dating someone new and realized that he can’t go on being deceptive OR he is just confused and has no idea what he wants. Who knows, he may have been temporarily infatuated, perhaps someone slipped him some Amortentia – (The most powerful love potion from Harry Potter; creates an infatuation or obsession – not love) Often guys like to hold out for something better. Somewhat like not accepting an invitation for a Saturday night too soon, in case something more interesting pops up. Do you want to be that girl, the “oh no one better showed up, so I will settle for her for a while?”
Unless he was himself in ICU and could not get to a phone, there is simply no reason for him to drop out of your life without an explanation. Many of my inquiries say, “but maybe he lost all his contacts”, or he has work issues, or his family are visiting. These are excuses, haven’t you been a with someone who would find the two minutes it would take to send you a text message to say what was going on, because he respects your feelings and your time?
For as long as you stay in this dissatisfying and demoralizing situation, a man who will love and cherish you will not be able to even find you. Avoidance of relationships in an attempt to avoid pain is not the answer either. The pain is there anyway. Three failed relationships in as many years are more likely to force you into awakening than three years on a desert island or shut away in your room. Eckhart Tolle
When you have one man taking up too much “rent-free” space in your mind, it is time to take an extra active role again in yourself. Think of other things to do and opportunities to meet more people, men and women. These are symptoms of infatuation.
Infatuation: One dictionary defines the word as “completely carried away by unreasoning passion or attraction.” This does not mean that it is all bad. In fact it can be extremely enjoyable and as long as you treat it as what it is, a brief interlude of romance and passion and you don’t let it turn into an obsession, is great. Distinguishing between the real thing and infatuation can be challenging especially in the early stages. Only giving it time and allowing it the opportunity to grow while you both get to know each other really, will you be able to uncover the authenticity of your feelings.
In the early stages as unromantic as this will sound, these heart-racing feelings are nothing but a chemical reaction similar to having taken a “love-potion”. It is like a cocktail of Dopamine – the “pleasure chemical,” which invoke the feeling of bliss, Norepinephrine – which is similar to adrenaline and causes your heart to race together with the amount of serotonin and dopamine released in the body explained by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist from Rutgers University.
Your life is what matters. You have to be independently happy in order to attract a worthy man into your life. Focus on your body, your mind, learn and learn more about who you are and learn ways to express yourself. Try not to allow the rush of chemicals rule your life and determine your moods which then affect your actions. How much more time are you going to waste? Through your work, your hobbies, talents and your passions and when you are most independent and happy and you least expect it, you will attract a wonderful man into your life and you will know it when this happens, it will feel easy not hard, it will flow, not need so much work and analysis, so keep your golden lasso handy.
Remember that although it may seem that we are living in a modern world, wherever you are in the world, men, instinctively still want to pursue a woman, and they appreciate what they have to work hard for, just like back in the caveman era, only hopefully now they won’t just knock you on your head with a club and drag you into their tents! 🙂
Revamp your life in just 90 days Sure, your life is pretty fabulous, but with a little help it could be sensational, says Juliet Rieden.
So, life is good. You’ve got work, friends and a loving family, not to mention a closet full of designer clothes. But could it be better? Honestly, are you completely happy with every aspect of who you are? In this ridiculous world of frenzied activity and no time to think, it’s easy to fall into the trap of settling for less.
Striving to get the best out of life – to fulfil the dreams you’ve let fall by the wayside – is not only natural, it’s achievable. The hard part is finding the motivation to overcome your stalling. Everyone’s dreams are different, but whether you want to shed a few more kilos, land a better job, pay off a mounting credit card debt or even find love, you’d be amazed how far you can get with a practical plan and some help.
More and more people are turning to life coaches to achieve their goals.
By devising a strict 12-week step-by-step program – customised to suit your individual needs – they encourage you to think about the areas you’d like to improve on (or change completely) and the feelings you want to banish. To help you get there, they monitor your progress weekly.
Life coach David Rock, 36, set up Results Coaching Systems in 1998. He now has coaches and operations throughout Australia and in Europe, North America and New Zealand. During the past decade or so, Rock has personally coached more than 100 people and claims that within 12 weeks his clients achieve 85 per cent of their goals. “Life coaching is all about changing bad habits,” he says. “People think it’s all new age but it’s one of the most real and pragmatic things you can do. The people who come to me for help are usually quite successful but are interested in doing better in some way.”
Life coach and single mum Malti Bhojwani, 32, established her Sydney-based Multi Coaching International business in the middle of past year. She coaches people through their problems via telephone.
She says that most of her clients are “either stuck in a rut or don’t have time to think, but they’re all looking for something”. Like Rock, Bhojwani works on a 12-week program.
“Ninety days is the minimum amount of time needed to instill a habit,” she says. “Those first 12 weeks are the hardest part.”
Whether life coaching is for you or not, the underlying principle of setting positive goals within a fixed time scale has been proven to unleash impressive results. There’s no hidden secret to the process, but says Bhojwani “you have to be willing to make a shift”.
Forging better relationships, be they with lovers, family or friends is the one goal most people dream about. “Everyone wants a great relationship, but the biggest thing is getting people to face scary things like asking someone out,” says Rock.
The great news is that improved relationships are often a by-product of fixing other areas of your life. “I needed to do something different to change from being a “gonna do it person” to an “I’m doing it person”.
“An avid creator of collages and montages, Lewin set a goal to put on an exhibition. The show went ahead and she sold four original works and three copies. Having been ill for so long, the satisfaction of achieving her goal changed Lewin’s life immeasurably and even improved her marriage.
“We’d been married for 21 years but until I did the life coaching my husband wasn’t at all interested in personal development and growing,” she says. “But afterwards he could see how much happier I had become.”
show me the money
Not only is earning great money imminently achievable, but so is hanging onto it and digging your way out of a quagmire of debts. Emma Hohnen, 30, was a Strategic Marketing Manager for Zurich Financial Services when she enlisted with life coach Susan Denington (from Results Coaching Systems) to help her pursue her passion for natural healing and train as a naturopath.
Despite her high income, Hohnen’s finances were on rocky ground when she quit her job, so she was apprehensive about student life.
“But Susan taught me to stay in the moment, within each week,” she says. This meant following a strict budget (only $100 spending money a week), giving up her gym membership and forgoing meals out and shopping trips. The results were beyond her wildest dreams. “I discovered that all that stuff I was doing like eating out and shopping I was actually doing to fill me up, but it didn’t work. Before, I focused on making money and being successful. Now I realise that those are things that will happen in time, you just have to trust yourself,” she says.
let’s get physical
Unless you’re a natural athlete or gym junkie, finding the time and motivation to stick to a regular physical regime isn’t easy. But, as with other areas, achieving your goal is all about creating a great plan.
“Instead of saying I want to lose some weight, go for a positive goal like fitting into that red dress,” says Rock. He recommends finding a partner to exercise with or, if money’s no object, hiring a personal trainer. There are also ways of exercising for free. Emma Hohnen quit her gym and started running outdoors and swimming in the sea. Alternatively you could power walk or simply take the stairs instead of the lift at work.
a new you
” I just want a job I love. I want to be excited about getting up for work each morning.” Sound familiar? A 2002 study by the Australia Institute revealed that nearly a quarter of Australians have actively chosen to downshift, swapping high stress and high incomes for less money and less stress.
Helping you find a new path is what life coaches excel at. Sydney based architect John Burgess, 40, wanted to build up his business and make time for creative pursuits. So, he teamed up with Rock who helped him align the two areas. Burgess wanted to put on an exhibition of his own light fitting designs, so he developed an entirely new concept for his business, putting out new products and setting up licensing deals.
Emma Hohnen’s sea change, swapping a finance job for training to be a naturopath, also left her in raptures. She’s still studying but has set up a part-time massage business. “I’m more relaxed and healthy, my skin glows and people even tell me how young I look,” she says. “Plus, I no longer have that anxiety every morning in the pit of my stomach.”
“Ninety days is the minimum amount of time needed to instill a healthy habit” – Malti Bhojwani Professional Life Coach
Multi-Coaching International on +61419 119 00. www.multi-coaching.com
The Sunday Telegraph
This report appears on NEWS.com.au.
My first every article since becoming a life coach. This was when I had graduated from ICA (International Coach Academy) and I was working with a coach myself – Sandhi Spiers.
This is what led to (a decade later) my published best-seller “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball”
I was amazed to see how many websites this article still appears on and it has even been translated into several languages!!! 🙂
Our marriage was falling apart and we completely hated each other. Our child’s world was crumbling, too. It was at this exact time when we needed to work constructively as parents. By Malti Bhojwani.
I have been divorced for over 5 years now and have a beautiful 11-year-old daughter. My ex-husband has remarried and the couple now has a baby girl. I get along very well with my ex-husband and his wife. There are many reasons for this alliance.
On the rocks
The most important thing for me has been to sustain a happy family life for my daughter. Deciding to have a child was a separate commitment from the one we made to marry each other. So from day one, we established that we needed to have utter respect for each other, if not as life partners then just as co-parents.
Trust is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship. Both parents need to feel that the other will do what he or she says they will.
This was easier said than done. We were both malicious. He hid our daughter’s passport and often threatened to take her away from me and go where I would never be able to find them. I threatened to get a restraining order that would keep him from coming within a certain radius. There was name-calling that lasted for months. Friends and family had to mediate. We competed for our daughter’s love and affection and each thought one was “better” than the other. We put each other down in front of friends and family. We both swore we were doing all this for the benefit of our daughter!
Seeing the light
Luckily, we both grew up. We owned up to our respective childishness. We also came to accept that we both loved our daughter very much and wanted the divorce to work. My ex-husband and I genuinely started to cooperate.
I realized that no one, apart from my ex, had our daughter’s best interest at heart as much as me. When he was about to remarry, I also realized that I didn’t want my daughter to have to be with a fairy tale wicked stepmother. With these things in mind, I decided to make being friends with my ex-husband a priority. I worked on nurturing a healthy friendship with his wife, respecting her role as my ex-husband’s partner and my daughter’s stepmother, often seeking her support and opinion. I was careful never to cross the boundaries or to take advantage of the fact that I, too, was once married to her husband.
I appreciate her influence in my daughter’s life. Sometimes she sees things that I miss. For example, she has instilled some good habits in my daughter and given her beauty, nutrition and hygiene tips that I had overlooked. I discovered that people generally have so much to contribute to others, if we would only let them.
Malti Bhojwani is a trained Life Coach based in Australia. She specializes in working one-on-one with people to help them enhance their relationships. Call 0419 11 99 00 for a free trial session or visit www.multi-coaching.comOther things I have learned along the way: Never refer to you and your ex-spouse as “we” in front of your or your ex’s current partner. Never make references to your intimacy and life together in their presence. Try not to bring up or reminisce about your life together. This may only make your current partner insecure and possibly resent you and, therefore, your child. I knew I had to show my ex-husband and his wife respect and honor their marriage if I wanted to sustain the pleasant co-parenting we had achieved by then.
You may think that this is about sacrificing and giving in but really it’s about being selfish. This is an approach advocated by Ron Wilkinson, Ph.D., a psychotherapist in Dallas with 23 years of clinical experience working with families. Dr. Wilkinson has been co-parent to his two sons, now 21 and 24, with his ex-wife for the last 13 years. He and his wife remain good friends.
“I encourage parents to be goal-oriented and selfish,” Wilkinson told me in one of our discussions. “In our culture, ‘selfish’ tends to be [interpreted as a negative] word. In a more pure sense, however, a selfish person is someone who gets what he or she wants.” When parents see that there is something in it for them, to have a friendship with the ex-husband or to appear like the good guy, for example, it makes the whole task easier to do.
Family functioning has been the major emphasis of Wilkinson’s study and training at both the master’s and doctoral level. He has treated many families struggling with this issue, and has found time and again that nothing is more important to a child’s life after the divorce than the relationship between the parents. His 1992 doctoral dissertation confirmed this fact.
If you want your children to think well of you, now and when they grow up; if you want your former spouse to be more cooperative, if you want to have a say in your child’s life, be selfish and go for what you want, Wilkinson tells his patients. When they grow up, children always value a parent who stayed in their lives; they are resentful and angry when a parent leaves them or continually causes difficulty. A child is not concerned with who is right and who is wrong; he or she is concerned with having a relationship with both parents-regardless of the child’s age.
Respond rather than react
I learned slowly that this is not a goal for the faint-hearted. It requires a lot of restraint, strength and focus. In my training and experience as a Life Coach and a parent, I have learned to respond rather than react.
A reaction is automatic, not thought through consequentially, whereas a response is chosen. Between an action and its reaction there is a space, and in that space is the opportunity to choose. Responding is using that space to make that choice and to do or say what will get you closer to your goal. In your dealings with your ex-spouse, always remember that your goal is having a working and pleasant relationship. It is your goal because of what it’s going to bring your child and YOU.
I did my share of reacting and the result was more reactions from him and, in no time, we were threatening and abusing each other, ending up with a very frightened and confused little girl crying her eyes out and begging us to stop. Since then, we have developed the habit of carefully choosing our responses instead of impulsively reacting to each other.
Keep your promises
Trust is one of the most important ingredients in any relationship. Both parents need to feel that the other will do what he or she says they will. If you say you are going to drive your child to a birthday party and arrange for the present, pay for your child’s dental treatment or call your child at 7 p.m., do so.
Be polite. Say “please” and “thank you.” Remember: “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” In human relationships, such as marriage and co-parenting, either both partners win or one wins at the expense of the other. And when this happens, the one who really loses is the child. Adopt a WIN-WIN approach in everything that you do.
The factors that enable married parents to work harmoniously are the same as those that help divorced parents work together, says Rick Hanson Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and the first author of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships (Penguin, 2002). He and his wife, Jan, have a 15-year-old son and 12-year-old daughter.
These factors include personal well-being, emotional openness, civility, empathy, goodwill, clarity about the values and principles that guide parenting practices and skill at negotiating practical arrangements. Separate your feelings about the divorce from the business of co-parenting, working out the details of finances, custody, vacations and grandparents, and integrating new friends/lovers/mates, Hanson adds.
Maintaining a working alliance with our child’s other parent will give your child a sense of family and belonging. When parents make a decision to have a child, it is a lifetime commitment.
Forgiveness is crucial
Perhaps it was a little easier for me because my ex-husband did not leave me for his wife. If such were the case, feelings of insecurity, resentment, jealousy and bitterness would have definitely cropped up between my ex’s partner and me.
For people who have been hurt or had to give up so much in going through a divorce, revenge or “making the other person suffer” may often be the aim. This is when it is crucial to stay focused on your child and your fulfilment as a parent and as a human being. You can’t turn back the clock, and being nasty to your ex’s partner or teaching your child to do so will only make it harder for them to accept and love your child. To “for-give” is to free yourself to give-“for-giving!”
It’s okay to love them
When was the last time you thanked your ex or your child’s stepparent for their support in your child’s upbringing? Acknowledgement is a beautiful way of reinforcing and encouraging positive behavior.
While researching for this article, I realized all the things that I was thankful for. I wrote a letter to my ex-husband and his wife, thanking and acknowledging them. The letter was received graciously and we shared an emotional and touching moment as a result. My ex asked if I would mind if he showed the letter to our daughter, to let her know that I liked her father and stepmother and that it was OK for her to like and love them, too.
Often, children feel torn between their parents. It was important for my daughter to see that I was not jealous or hurt that she also loved her stepmom and her half-sister. We have pictures of her little half-sister all over our place.
Two things: First, if you and your ex-spouse don’t come to a mutual agreement regarding child support, custody and visitation, you’re only leaving it up to the government to decide on the matter. You end up giving up your choice. Second, ensure that power as well as responsibility is shared between both parents.
There is nothing easy about this. But it’s all worth it. We all want fulfilment, pride and the knowledge that we did our best as parents. Maintaining a working alliance with our child’s other parent will give your child a sense of family and belonging. When parents make a decision to have a child, it is a lifetime commitment.