Are you intimate with your partner?

May 31, 2013  |  Uncategorized

Intimacy = Into-me-you-see

When you are able to share of yourself with no fear of judgement or disapproval and need for approval, this is intimacy. When you feel open and welcome to touch your partner whenever you want to, that is intimacy and when you share an implicit trust that you can not only believe them but also depend on them, then you are intimate. Sharing means to share of body, emotion and language. You are not ashamed of the way you look naked and you are not afraid of the words you may utter when you are willing to share things.

Think about some of your most intimate relationships or friendships, many of them would go back in your childhood when you shared so much more of yourself and your feelings, your life which included your wins and losses, challenges and accomplishments, dreams and desires, no bars.

How intimate are you with your partner? Don’t underestimate the power of touch and scent, spend the next few weeks getting to know your partner intimately, the texture and feel of their skin all over, their hair and the scent of them, to the point that if you were blindfolded, you would be able to pick them out.

If you think you would fail such a test, then you are in for a lot of fun while you spend some luxurious hours in discovery.

I strongly believe that physical and emotional intimacy, support each other. I am not saying that sex can make two people closer, but if they are already very close, it will enhance the connection and the intimacy they share. While the lack of it, will reduce that emotional intimacy as well. We are physical, feeling, sensing and touching beings and when physical intimacy is lacking, we are unfulfilled and feel a sense of emptiness which can wedge a gap between two lovers.

Unfortunately though as we grow up we lose that innocence of openness, we start to guard ourselves, and often we don’t share too much, thinking to ourselves, “Oh he/she has no time for my stories”, “They won’t care anyway”, “It is not important and we have so many more serious and urgent things on our plate”, “What if he/she is not in the mood”, “What if they push my hand away”, “What if he/she laughs at my dreams or shoots them down?”

How to re capture and build intimacy?

Physical: Try this NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) technique called Love Strategies: as outlined in this video:

Excerpt from upcoming book:

“If you knew how easy and almost effortless it would be to make the person you love feel good, wouldn’t you just do it? Especially when you were aware of the good feelings it would invoke in the other and therefore infuse back to you? It sounds so easy and almost mechanical, but it is so effective and not doing it can be so detrimental to the relationship. I have had people ask me why their partners don’t instinctively know what to do to give them joy and that it takes the romance away if you have to tell them, but I think that if you are going to wait around for someone to come along that is “special” because he or she happens to be familiar with the particular brand of love strategy you desire, you may miss out on the one that is right for you when all you need to do is communicate.”

Emotional Intimacy:

Excerpt from upcoming book:

A common thing that happens in the early stages of young relationships is that the two of you start to emulate each other and want to please each other. You suddenly start to change some of your own likes and dislikes to match the other person’s. Favourite songs and food are sometimes forgotten and replaced. There is a fine line between being accommodating and caring versus giving up your sense of self. If your partner inspires you to change some of your habits which were disempowering and unhealthy then that’s great, if you learn to do some things differently so as to have a more peaceful relationship, that is also great. There is a difference between giving up who you are just to be with this person and making some changes out of love.

As a verb “intimate” means “to state or make known”. “Into-me-you-see.”

Intimacy is to be able to be our true and authentic self when we are in a relationship, and allow the other person to do the same.

“Being ourselves” requires that we can talk openly about things that are important to us, emotionally and sexually and that we are comfortable to stand up for our personal preferences, our values and set our boundaries.

“Allowing the other person to do the same” is the willingness to remain emotionally tied to someone who has different thoughts, values, preferences and boundaries. Wanting to change the other person is not intimacy.

Making eye-contact often, kissing often, holding hands when you can and being spontaneous when our partner least expects it – all this builds intimacy. Surprising your partner letting them know you are thinking of them intimately, through a text message or even by sneaking around to a quiet corner when in company just to steal a kiss or pinch, ll this creates intimacy. You create a world that is only yours even when you are with people. Particular gestures, winks and code-words also do a lot to built intimacy. I cannot stress the importance of kissing, and of being present when you are kissing your partner. If you don’t have much time together, spend that time slowly kissing rather than rushing through sex.

There is a fine line between being independent and being intimate but one does not take away from the other, in fact being intimate means to allow yourself to be vulnerable, and guess what, it takes strength and independence to be able to let your guard down and keep yourself “open” to your partner, especially if you’ve been hurt before. Excuse the pun, but the only way to let your partner penetrate you and fill you up is to be willing to share your deepest feelings of greatness and of weakness when you want to, allowing each other to see different facets of yourselves.


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  5. Malti,

    This is such a good article. You have got it sister! You have really got
    the point of the book and have conveyed such a thought provoking article
    with your own ideas. It really hit home for me, in a big way. Marriage
    is not easy and you do lose sight of making your partner feel special.
    You have inspired me to find out from “husband” what he longs for to be felt
    loved. Very very powerful stuff my dear. I am so impressed and proud of
    you. And thank you for sharing this with me. Really high-grade stuff.

    I am going to pass it on to “husband” if that’s OK, I think he will get a
    lot out of it too.

    Your article is great and very true. Makes me feel like I should more effort into “husband” so thanks for inspiring me. Good to be reminded of these things.
    Awesome……you write very well…and with good take home value…

    Hi Ms. Malti,

    What a true portray of the meaning of Intimacy. Very nicely written, but the best part was the conclusion and tips for Guys and Girls to show their love and care for their partner.

    Great article, Malti. Some deep truths there!

    Dear Malti,

    I was extremely impressed with your latest piece on Intimacy. I printed it off and highlighted it to show my husband and also sent it to friend.

    It was a nice piece of work ! Congrats.

    the article you sent me yesterday is really a big help for me, thanks so much,

    The article is well presented with great ideas.

    I have learnt a lot from it, however, I think I should let my man read it to make it work better. I will read it again and think more.

    Great article! Really well written and presented! And wonderful tips for men who are not sure how to handle their mates.

    very well written!! its funny that we know these rules for a successful relationship yet unconciously we forget them n as u said “become very comfortable in the realtionship”. i guess we just need to be reminded again n again n again. yr article is spot on…nuturing the tree also provides emotional security and thats all what we are after!

    I like the article Malti 🙂 Gees now i just have to figure out what my “buttons” are! 🙂

    The bit about how intense relationships are not always intimate is so very true. I think intimacy developes when 2 ppl feel safe with each other. Feeling safe comes when judgements are suspended.

    Looking forward to ur next peice.

    Undoubtedly Malti!!!…the most true and best article i have ever read so far!!!!

    It is really great.

    infact I have copied & forwarded to many of my friends also, maybe it might help someone.

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