Archive for June, 2013
As featured in the Times of India – iDiva :
Click here to read it:
1st July 2013
Life Coach Malti Bhojwani on Privacy, Secrecy & Trust in Intimate Relationships.
Two wrongs do not make a right. Many years ago, in a relationship that soon went diving south, my ex boyfriend confronted me about discussing the problems in our relationship with my best girlfriend! How did he know this? He snooped through my text messages on my phone.
Indignant about what he had done and the betrayal of trust, I lost control and the ability to see eye to eye with him. All while he manipulated the situation to still making me “wrong” for confiding in my best friend in the first place. ?@%&&#^!$!!!
Are you as flabbergasted as I was?
1st up: girlfriends always discuss their relationships and we do discuss things that boyfriends or husbands should never know about! My litmus test now is to check how much I need to complain to my girlfriends about the relationship I am in. If I am complaining too much, then it means I am unable to trust him with the truth and that is not a good thing.
2ndly: In the olden days, people kept private diaries and it was never OK to snoop into anyone’s diary. Today, email and text messages may not be seen as private as a diary. But, the same rules of privacy apply.
3rdly: Digging leads to finding a lot of crap you were better off without! By digging, I am referring to both probing with interrogative questions directly and snooping behind the persons’ back.
Seek and ye shall find, curiosity killed the cat!
Snooping is playing with fire, so don’t do it if you don’t want to get burnt! The danger of snooping in the present is that often, some conversations are from people processing their own feelings. We don’t blurt out every thought as we think them, so this privacy should be treated with respect as well – some things are simply NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! If it is the past that you are snooping into, read on….more on this in the later paragraphs.
Honestly, can you safely say that every conversation you have with your family or best friend will not hurt or upset your partner, if they happened to be eavesdropping or if they stumbled upon it?
How would it feel if you felt you could not be 100% honest with anyone, just in case the wrong eyes or ears may be watching?
Past Future Present
No this is not an English lesson. Your past is history, and your future is a mystery. But work on your present, and make it this relationship the best. The best of relationships are based on trust in every sense of the word. It is not just the kind of trust that upkeeps fidelity, but also the trust that your partner is strong enough and discerning enough to decide what they share with you, what they withhold and what kind of help or support they need from you. If you trust them then you should not cross those lines no matter what.
We have many reasons for not wanting to reveal all of our experiences, thoughts, fears, plans to a partner. You shouldn’t have to defend not revealing embarrassing or hurtful moments from your past, it is really and truly none of their business!
Why are you tempted to snoop?
How much about this curiosity is about you? How do you feel about yourself? The need to spy can be a sign of insecurity. Perhaps you feel you are not good enough for your partner compared to their exes and that they may leave you in time. Remember that in adult relationships, if you are together it is because you are all they want. Your partner is with you in spite of his or her past because they CHOOSE to be with you. In fact, don’t feel bad about their or your own past lovers once you’ve settled down with someone you truly love – you’re with this special person today because of the coincidences and relationships you’ve experienced before.
If you are tempted to snoop because of his or her current behaviour and you are suspicious then ask them honestly instead. Be careful not to jump to accusations and speak from where you are, using “I” – “I feel as if you’re secretive. I notice you leave the room to talk on the phone. I feel like you’re working late a lot.” (Advice derived from Dr. Terri Orbuch – (research scientist at the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan, psychologist, and Oakland University professor.)
Keep the Past Where it Belongs!
If you are curious about their past then ask yourself how important this information really is to you. If you feel that you won’t be negatively affected with whatever is revealed, then why ask? If you think it could be a turn on, then you are playing with fire and unless this is a relationship you are willing to risk for the sake of this experiment then I strongly suggest you stop it right there!
It is natural to be curious, but it will bring up all sorts of issues if they discuss parts of their past that they are uncomfortable to talk about with you, and no one should have to. Leave it up to them if they are comfortable with it and if not then it’s not necessary. In return, don’t probe, what you need to know will come out in time, through general conversation. If you don’t like being interrogated, try not to do it to others. If your partner is probing into your past too much and you can’t see a satisfying ending by exploring it, seal the doors of your past and throw the keys.
Draw Your Lines
Don’t confuse intimacy with ownership. You can be very close to your partner but your privacy is precious, and it’s your right to choose the limits of your privacy. If you are with someone who does not understand how to respect your boundaries, don’t attack them, but rather be understanding as well and educate them. You may not have drawn your lines clearly enough. An ex colleague walked into my office once and she could see my passport sticking out of my handbag and without asking me, she reached for it to see my passport photo. I took deep offence but later realise that she didn’t have the same reservations about privacy and personal space. She was just being cute and I was very harsh on her. Sometimes, we need to take responsibility and communicate where our lines are. Just be firm and make it clear to them that you have limits.
A relationship is made up of two parts: each individual and their life together. If either of these components gets lost, you no longer have a relationship.
Love between two people is having a passionate interest in each other’s lives and thoughts, and yet respecting each other’s mystery. We will never know our partners completely, and that’s the way it should be. The past is just that “the past” and nobody has the right to pry into it or force their partner to tell them everything that happened. When there’s talk about past relationships, there’s always bound to be comparisons. Don’t get into the “comparison game”. It can drive you and your partner crazy.
Give your partner some breathing space. There are some things that should remain hidden and unknown after all. I’m sure your relationship will not be different if you leave some things like that. Don’t let envy and jealousy ruin a beautiful relationship.
The past is the past. Nothing can change that. All you can do now is accept it and it is easier to accept what you don’t know! The past to them would be old irrelevant snippets from their past but making them rehash it just to satisfy your curiosity is bringing buried stuff to the forefront that your partner has deliberately left in the past. Sometimes we have to burn the bridges behind to make the present successful.
“And stand together, yet not too near together. For the pillars of the temple stand apart.” Kahlil Gibran
“The Greatest Love of All” is a song written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed and originally recorded by George Benson for the 1977 Mohammad Ali movie ‘The Greatest’ then popularized by the late Whitney Houston (God Bless her soul – I loved her so much) said, “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all”.
It is about altering the way you see and the actions you take. It is about finding your own axis and rotating around that instead of around someone else. It saddens me how successful, beautiful people can throw it all away over a man.
In my book “Don’t Think of a Blue Ball” I touched on this axis, “When you can find your own axis, you can revolve around it, for when you revolve your life on someone outside of you, you lose your own alignment. Just as the earth revolves around its own axis daily and through this eternal gentle revolving it also revolves around the sun, if you don’t find your own axis and you don’t gently revolve, you cannot be for anyone.
Then, once you have centered on your axis and someone else who has also centered on theirs is brought into your world, the two of you can come together and there is a collision of axes and you shift from your center. This is the sensation of ‘falling in love’.
If, after the initial combustion, you can realign so that you can revolve on your own axis and simultaneously rotate with the other body, then you may have found a true and balanced way of relating; thus, a healthy relationship. You maintain and grow your individuality as you serve the world as well and live your own purpose whilst simultaneously relating lovingly with another.”
“Learning to love yourself is the Greatest Love of All” I know you have heard this so many times, but do you really get it? What does self-love mean? It is learning to get to know yourself like you would a new lover. Finding out again what your favorite colors, music, and food is. What is most important to you? What you truly desire in this lifetime. What you want your eulogy to say, what your principles and values are what emotions you want to experience more of in your life as you pursue your desires.
Choose YOU, again and again. What you won’t stand for, what you won’t tolerate, what your God-given talents are and how you can improve them and share them. Loving yourself truly, madly, deeply and stretching your comfort zone to truly extract and savor all the good stuff you want from life while at the same time giving the world more and more of the best you, is the ONLY way you will attract love beyond imagination into your own life.
If you are already in a relationship, give your partner the gift of listening. Listen to them, not just with your ears, but with your whole body, feel them, look them in the eye, re-establish trust and intimacy and listen to them. Trust that you can communicate with them without FEAR – False Evidence Appearing Real.
Don’t be scared of losing them, you won’t if they love you the same way and if they don’t love you, then this isn’t it yet. Two independent self-loving individuals are strong enough to accept each other and have big enough hearts to forgive each other when they hurt each other.
The most important thing a woman can do, is to work on herself and get her physical, emotional and financial life into great shape…in other words become the quality woman who is sought out by the kind of man she wishes to be with in the first place. When her inner world is full of happiness & joy and she is independent, secure & stable…it shines through and creates magnetism around her that everyone (not just men she’s interested in) can feel.
When she loses the need (and nothing kills attraction faster than neediness) to be with someone she is more likely to find someone who wishes to be with her. Basically she becomes the kind of woman with high self-esteem and high character who DOES NOT need a man to fill any hole inside of her.
Quality men look for quality women and the best way to attract the kind of man she wants is to become the kind of woman he’d like to be with. A popular misconception about men is that they are only concerned about a woman’s appearance and are only interested in sex. While this may hold true for the general populace, the ones we regard as “Quality” men would much rather spend time with, be with and date an average looking woman with a great character and a more fulfilling personality than a hot, dysfunctional drama queen!
I attracted the love of my life when I truly finally fell in love madly with myself. I discovered my true calling, gems and purpose and pursued them with blinkers on. I stopped making decisions about men or possibilities of meeting a nice guy. I put my career and purpose above all that. I know you have heard this before and that you are wishing I have some fresh news for you, I really get it. I have been there, the incessant checking of my phone to see if a guy I had hopes of would text me or want to see me again. I’d chase them covertly, looking for excuses to contact them and trying to act all nonchalant about it; I’d change my profile pictures or go to events just to attract attention. And I did this nonsense with guys that I wasn’t even sure I really liked, just to get their attention and see that they liked me!
It saddens me the number of women out there who spent their life just looking for a man, waiting to be loved, waiting for somebody to come into their life and sweep them off their feet. And then they do everything in their power to make it happen. They put lots of efforts into everything to attract that man to take away the loneliness. And when they meet some nice guys, because they are so desperate for this one to be the one, you know, maybe they are not desperate, but they are tired. I don’t know if you have been there, when you are just exhausted, you are like you know can’t this just be, can’t he be the one and then this can be over so that we can live happily there after.
And so, because of that tiredness and desperation, you put all the previous drama into this one guy, this one sweet person who you just met just to get him to do what you want him to do. You become so transparently needy and yet when friends point it out to you, you deny it because you think you have covered it up well under the layers of makeup!
You want him to call you, you want to act in such a way you want to know that he cares, you want to know that he is as attracted to you as you are to him. But you know in most cases you are not even sure if you like him, you just wanted him to like you.
And where I am getting at is that you cannot build your life around looking for a man or around being attractive or finding that man. The only way to attract a good solid relationship that is not co-independent that is not needy is when you are actually falling in love with yourself again and you actually living a life that is committed to your goals, your dreams and your desires. And along the way, along the way, yes you may attract love into your life – if you are lucky. Yes it’s a lucky few who attract that kind of love.
I implore you to live a life that is about you and not about a man. Even when you find a man you love him, yes love him, love him with all your heart but don’t stop living your life. Don’t let your life revolve around whether he called or he did not. Whether he cares about you, whether he is attracted to you or not, no you love him.
You give him what you want to give him but simultaneously you pursue your life, your life is more than about a man. Your life is about you, your likes and dislike, the things that you enjoy, people who are dependent on you, who love you, who need your time and want your time. Your work, your colleagues, your taste, what do you enjoy,. Live for you, there will be no room for loneliness. Focus on you. Be an empowered woman and then watch how men will then fall at your feet.
Above is an excerpt from my latest E-Book – YoUniverse – Start Living The Life of Your Dreams – only available online from my facebook page.